


Keep My Heart

by Jubilee44



Category: Actor RPF, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Actors, Angst, Anxiety, Boston Pride, Chronic Illness, F/M, Family, Family Fluff, Fluff, Hospitalization, Hospitals, I'm Bad At Tagging, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Married Couple, Marvel Universe, Past Suicidal Thoughts, Surgery, Surrogacy, Weddings, Worry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-04-27 09:12:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 30,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14422221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jubilee44/pseuds/Jubilee44
Summary: Molly has spent most of her adult life coping with her chronic illness. Everything seemed so typical and mundane until Chris Evans stumbles into her life. She thought she would just wait for her premature death but he gives her a will to keep living.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All work is fiction and in no way associated with any real-life events. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. Do not repost, translate, or rework.

            Being chronically ill wasn’t how I saw my life playing out. But you become numb after a few years. Needles and IVs don’t bother you. You become blind to the worry of your friends and family. You don’t notice the smell of hospitals and the procedures mix together in a blur.

            I was returning from a routine appointment. I stopped at the café in the hospital lobby and ordered my usual from the barista that was always there. Everything seemed typical until I looked down at my phone and ran into someone. My coffee tipped forward and spilled all over the ground. I swore under my breath and made sure I hadn’t gotten coffee on my phone or clothes. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

            “No, neither was I. I’m really sorry.”

            I looked up because I swore I recognized the voice in front of me. Sure enough, I was met with the very familiar blue eyes of Chris Evans. I stood totally still as he grabbed my coffee cup off the floor.

            “Let me find someone to clean this up.”

            I could only nod slowly. I wondered if I was under anesthesia and dreaming everything. The sudden realization that I bumped into a celebrity in a hospital was too much for my brain to handle.

            He returned and one of the hospital workers started to mop up the spill. Chris touched my arm. That’s when I realized all of it was real. I could feel his fingertips on my shirtsleeve.

            “Can I buy you a new coffee?” He asked. “Just to make it up to you.”

            “Oh…uh, you don’t have to.” My voice sounded strange and warped. I hoped I was actually speaking and not just rambling in gibberish instead. “It’s really okay.”

            “I insist.” He smiled. “I was going to get one anyways.” He nodded for me to follow him back to the café. Still in a daze, I ordered my coffee again and let Chris pay. We sat and I looked across the small table at the Marvel actor.

            “So…you’re Chris Evans, right?” I asked even if it sounded silly.

            He laughed softly. “Yeah. Sorry, I never asked your name.”

            “Me?” I was surprised to see a look of interest in his eyes. “My name’s Molly,” I answered.

            “Well, it’s nice to meet you, Molly.”

            “It’s nice to meet you too. I’m sorry, I’ve just never met anyone famous and I really enjoy your movies…” My cheeks went pink when I realized I was talking too fast.

            “Well, I appreciate it.” He smiled shyly.

            “I actually grew up near Sudbury.” It was pretty well known in Massachusetts that Chris was from the state. Along with actors like Matt Damon and Mark Wahlberg, he was held in good regard because they were Bostonians.

            “Really?” His eyes lit up. “Where did you go to high school?”

            “Hopkinton, I graduated in 2000.”

            “No kidding, I graduated in ’99.” He smiled. “I remember going to Hopkinton a few times. You must've loved growing up and having the Marathon right there." 

            "Yeah, it was always a spectacle. It never really got boring, honestly. It's just strange being in Boston now and seeing the finish line. Hopkinton will always be my favorite place though." 

            “I love going back to visit my parents. It’s always such a flashback.”

            “Isn’t it? It’s so weird driving by my high school.”

            We talked more about people we both might know and even realized that his dad was my dentist as a teenager.  

            “We might have been at the same football game at some point.” He seemed happy to talk about his hometown. His shoulders were relaxed and he leaned forward slightly to talk to me.

            I shrugged. “I wasn’t really able to go to a lot of school events. Just because I was sick,” I cleared my throat, “but that’s not important.” I didn’t want him, or anyone, to pity me.

            His brows furrowed and his smile faded. “Oh, I’m sorry.”

            “Don’t be, it’s okay. I’ll be okay.” I shrugged off his concern. I was good at deflecting any sympathy. Sympathy didn’t heal so I didn’t need it. There were people that were far worse off than I was.

            Chris opened his mouth to say something but someone behind me interrupted. “Chris, there you are. C’mon, we have a radio interview in fifteen.”

            “Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute,” Chris replied. “My manager,” He explained to me.

            “Oh, that’s okay. It was nice to meet you and thank you for the coffee.”

            “Of course.” Uh…could we meet up again when I’m back in Boston?” He asked with a hint of nervousness in his voice.

            “You want to see me again?” I asked in pure disbelief. I thought he was only giving me the time of day out of pity. That’s how most of my relationships went, be it romantic or not.

            “I hate being too forward but I know I’d be disappointed in myself if I didn’t stay in touch with you.” He said with a sheepish smile.

            “I would like that,” I said, still feeling stunned.

            “Great, so I’ll give you my number?” He pulled out his phone.

            “Yeah sure.” We exchanged phones to put our numbers into each other’s contact list.

            “I should be back here in a week or so. But we can text until then if you want. I’d like to get to know you better.”

            I put my hands on my coffee cup so the heat would remind me that I wasn’t dreaming. “Yeah, we can do that.” I agreed.

            Chris smiled and gave me back my phone. “Alright, I’ll talk to you later, Molly.” He stood up.

            The way he said my name gave me chills down my spine. “Okay.” I tried not to look too overwhelmed.

            He lingered for a breath before nodding and turning to walk towards the lobby doors.


	2. Chapter 2

            Chris: Good morning, how did you sleep?

            I yawned and looked over the text as I walked into my tiny kitchen. I smiled and felt the same butterflies I always got whenever he texted me.

            Chris couldn’t make it back to Boston like he planned but I was more than happy just to text for the meanwhile. He texted me every day and we even talked over the phone a few times each week. We talked about anything that came up and eventually, that lead to my condition and why I was at the hospital the day we met.

            I usually didn’t like telling people about my illness. It brought me anxiety when people got concerned and asked how serious it was. I didn’t want to ruminate on the idea of how my diagnosis could potentially cause organ failure and even death. I especially didn’t like to think about my lifespan. Doctors always tried to be encouraging, saying I could live a very long and fulfilling life. But they couldn’t be sure. No one could.

            But Chris didn’t press the issue. He said if I didn’t want to tell him what my diagnosis was then I didn’t have to. He never asked prying questions; instead, he only wanted to know if I was feeling okay.

            For a long time, I tried to ignore my symptoms. I was in denial and I didn’t want to hear what my doctors had to say. After I graduated college and moved into an apartment of my own, I started to neglect myself. I pushed myself to get up every day and spend long days at the office I worked at. I didn’t eat very much and I relied heavily on pain medication to subdue the aches I felt.

            I settled into a dark depression of doing nothing but working and going to doctor appointments. I sat up late at night, anxiously watching the clock tick.

            I told Chris this, skipping over the details about the pain I’d been going through.

            “If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.” He said over the phone. “No one should be going through that, Molly.”

            I held back tears and gripped my cell phone tightly in my hand. “Yeah, thank you,” I said quietly. “But I’ll be okay. I’m getting better.”

            After a week of talking to him, it felt like the days were getting a little brighter. At first, I thought it was just because springtime was approaching, but then I realized it was Chris. I woke up knowing that I would have a nice message to greet me. I looked forward to talking to him and having someone, to be honest with.

 

Molly: I slept alright, how about you?

Chris: Dodger woke me up with his snoring.

 

            I smiled and started to make myself breakfast while texting him back.

 

Molly: At least he’s cute

Chris: Yeah, he couldn’t do anything wrong, he’s pretty much my child now.

Molly: I can’t wait to meet him. I love dogs and wish my landlord let me have pets

Chris: One day we’ll find you a place that does. You could use a furry companion honestly everyone should have one.

 

            He always talked about the future. He always said ‘we’ and ‘us’. He planned on taking me to different restaurants in Boston, visiting various sights, and going to see upcoming movies together. I wasn’t sure if he was saying those things to make me feel better or he genuinely wanted to spend that much time with me. It was nice knowing such a kind man actually considered me as a friend.

            But I was hesitant to allow him any closer to me. It was how I ran my life. Many of my friends were from work and we didn’t spend much time together outside of the office. I didn’t want people worrying about me if something happened. My illness was my own battle and I didn’t want to drag anyone else down with me. Chris didn’t need to spend hours in the emergency room or dealing with my symptoms.

            But I didn’t know how to tell him to keep his distance. Deep down, I didn’t want to push him away because he was starting to become one of the best things in my life. But it was for his sake, not mine.

 

            During my lunch break, Chris texted me to see if we could talk over the phone.

            “Hey, have you been busy?”

            I picked at my salad from the café in our building. I sat at the counter by the window like I usually did. I watched as people on the sidewalk passed by. “Yeah, sorry, I had a few meetings,” I answered.

            “It’s okay. Are you feeling alright?”

            “I have a headache but I took some painkillers so hopefully it’ll go away.” I sighed. “Thank you for asking.”

            “Of course. So, I’m going to be flying back this weekend.” He revealed.

            I straightened up a little in my chair. “Really?” I asked breathlessly.

            “Yeah, I got Dodger a ticket too so we’ll be there Friday night. And I’ll probably be able to stay longer.”

            “Chris, that’s awesome.” I couldn’t hide my smile. “I’ll meet you at the airport…” My stomach sank as I remembered my vow to myself. _Don’t drag him down too._

            “Are you sure? It might be late. We could meet the next morning too. I am excited to see you though.” He admitted shyly.

            “Yeah…” I bit my lip. “So uh…are you going to see family?” I tried to divert the conversation away from me.

            “I’ll go see my mom, yeah, but I was really flying out to see you.”

            I felt a pain in my heart. I had been leading him on too long and it was only because I was being selfish. “Chris….I-”

            “Hang on, Molls.” Chris pulled the phone away from his face and I could hear a brief, muffled chat. “Sorry, I have to go. I’ll text you the details of my flight though and then we can plan Saturday. See you soon.”

            “Okay, bye.” I swallowed and set my phone down next to my bowl. I put my head in my hands and felt my head pounding. The one bright thing in my life…and I couldn’t have him.


	3. Chapter 3

                        It was around ten o’clock and I was standing in Logan Airport baggage claim. I clutched my purse strap around my shoulder and took a breath. I was excited to see Chris but nervous at the same time.

            Waiting until the weekend wasn’t easy. It felt like I was battling two parts of myself and neither was making any headway. I wanted nothing more than to talk face to face with my newfound friend but I still didn’t want to unload my burden on him.

            When I looked up, my worries faded for a moment. I saw Chris walking towards me with a bright smile. His blue eyes were sparkling and the way he looked at me made my knees go weak.

            “Hey,” He said softly and set his bag down. The smile never left his face as he stood in front of me.

            “This might be weird to say, but I missed you.” I blurted.

            He chuckled. “That’s how I feel too. C’mon,” He touched my shoulder. We walked out to the curb. “Did you take a cab?” He asked.

            I nodded. “So you want to hang out tomorrow morning?” I asked hopefully.

            “Yeah, of course. I actually got us reservations for breakfast if that’s okay. It’s not too fancy, I just thought, since it’s a Saturday we should plan ahead.” He smiled sheepishly.

            “You’re so sweet,” I said and felt my cheeks going red. He had planned ahead, he was looking forward to this.

            Chris chuckled and went to hail a cab. “We can share one, I’ll pay.” He offered to take my purse even though he was already carrying a duffle bag and a backpack.

            “You don’t have to. I don’t mind splitting it.” It was something else I was worried about. I knew it was traditionally a courtesy for a man to pay for dates and such. But I had been on more than enough dates where I split the bill. I was perfectly capable of handling my own expenses. I had a good office job and although most of my paycheck went towards insurance copays and other medical expenses, I could live comfortably.

            But Chris was an actor and a well-known one at that. I didn’t know how much he made and I didn’t really want to know. All I knew for sure was that I would feel uncomfortable if he paid for everything. It was another pity strategy that a lot of people used. After first dates, if guys knew about my illness, they insisted on paying for everything. My mom called to ask if I needed help with bills, my friends wanted to buy me clothes…I hated it. I went through weeks and months of stress and pain to get where I was in my career. I did this so I wouldn’t have to beg for money from people. I liked being independent.

            It seemed like Chris could sense my discomfort with the notion. “Alright, we can do that.” He nodded. When a cab pulled up to the curb, he opened the door for me and let me in first.

            I gave the driver my address and Chris did the same. We sat in silence for the first minute of the drive. I assumed that we were both trying to process the idea that we were finally together again.

            I yawned and he glanced over at me. “Tired?”

            “Not really, I just had a long day at work,” I admitted.

            “Well, thanks for coming to meet me here.” He smiled. “I know I would’ve had a hard time waiting until the morning to see you.”

            I blushed even more and had to look down. I had a hard time looking him right in the eyes. I worried that if I did I would lose my train of thought and babble like an idiot. “I don’t think I could’ve waited either.” I bit my tongue and forced myself to look at him. I did my best to keep my composure.

            He met my eyes and neither of us could get any words out for the briefest moment. He swallowed. “I almost forgot how beautiful you were.” The words slipped out and hung in the air.

            My lips parted slightly and felt my stomach knot up from all the butterflies dancing around. “Chris…”

            “Sorry, wow that was super crossing the line.” His face went red and he rubbed the back of his neck.

            I reached over and took his hand. I didn’t say anything else; I just let him weave his fingers with mine. His skin was warm and soft as he gently squeezed my hand.

 

            At breakfast the next day, I met up with him outside the restaurant. He smiled when we caught sight of each other. I wanted to tell him how I felt when I saw those blue eyes and gorgeous smile. But I didn’t want to come on too strong even if he had called me beautiful the night before.

            I hadn’t been able to sleep much; I kept going over the interaction in my head. The way he looked at me and the words that he said out loud. It made my heart beat faster every time I replayed the memory.

            “Hey.” He said softly and opened one arm up for a hug.

            I didn’t even hesitate; I had been waiting for that moment. I let myself be enveloped in possibly the best hug I’d ever received. He was much bigger than me, height and muscle wise, and I almost got lost in his embrace. The scent of his cologne and the warmth coming from his chest was intoxicating and I swore I was going to pass out.

            Luckily, I stayed on my feet and withdrew reluctantly from his arms. I looked up at him and once again, we couldn’t speak as our eyes met.

            Chris was the first to snap back into reality. “Did you look at the menu yet?” He cleared his throat and opened the door for me.

            “Yeah, it all looks really good.” I walked inside and stood by him as he spoke to the host about the reservation.

            We sat down by the window and I took off my sweater. “How was your flight? I didn’t even ask last night.” I realized.

            “It was good. I think everyone was pretty much asleep so it was quiet.” He nodded and eyed the menu for a moment. “Did you sleep well?” He asked just like he did every morning when we texted.

            “Yeah.” I lied. I didn’t want him to know that I was obsessing over how he called me beautiful. “Did you?”

            “Sort of.” He shrugged and set the menu down. “I was thinking about what I said last night.”

            I felt my stomach sink a little. Was he going to take back what he said? Was it a mistake? “Oh?”

            “I just…I didn’t want to cross any boundaries between us. I really consider you a friend and I don’t want to force you into something that you wouldn’t…I don’t want to ruin anything between us.” He said. It sounded a little rehearsed but along the way he got caught up in his words.

            “Chris, you’re not forcing me into anything,” I assured him. “If I felt uncomfortable I would tell you. And I wouldn’t have come today.” I pointed out. “I thought…” I cleared my throat and tried to think of the best way to express my feelings. “It was very sweet, what you said. I don’t think anyone has ever said something like that before.” I admitted.

            “Really?” He raised an eyebrow. “I sort of figured you were already seeing someone.” He said honestly.

            “Even still?” We’d been talking for weeks and neither of us had said anything about dating anyone.

            “Well…” He shrugged. “It’s just crazy that no one has tied you down yet.”

            “I’m not very easy to tie down.” I smiled slightly.

            “Is that a challenge?” He teased, his eyes sparkling playfully.

            “I guess it’s up to you, Evans,” I replied and again felt my heart racing.

            He shook his head and rested his hand on the table, palm up. “I wouldn’t want to tie you down. You’re too good for that.”

            I reached over and took his hand just like I did the night before. I wasn’t sure what else I could say. “So…do you want to keep seeing me?” I asked shyly.

            He looked surprised that I was even asking at all. “Of course. I mean…it’s not always easy because I need to travel a lot. But, if you’re willing to put up with that for a bit…”

            “I don’t mind,” I said without really consulting with myself. I figured it would be hard to date an actor. But I wanted to hang on to Chris as much as I could. I knew I would much rather wait to see him than not see him ever again.

            “Are you sure? I mean your health…”

            “It’s not an issue.” I brushed off his concern like always.

            “But should I know more about it so I’m…more aware of everything?” For once, he didn’t back off right away.

            I looked down at our entwined hands. “We could talk about it,” I said slowly. “But I don’t want you freaking out or acting like I’m on my deathbed,” I warned.

            “Of course not, I know you handle everything. I just don’t want to do or say something wrong.”

            “Okay.” I nodded and started to understand where he came from. “We can talk about it. Just not right now. Maybe tonight, if you wanted to get dinner.” I relented.

            He looked relieved and smiled. “Thank you.” He said and squeezed my hand. “That means a lot to me.”

            I met his eyes again and felt the same relief. I realized I could be honest about how I felt. And I could tell him how much I worried about what he was getting himself into when he chose me. 


	4. Chapter 4

            Chris and I walked together in the Boston Commons after breakfast. I sighed softly and looked up at the sun.

            “I’m so glad it’s getting warmer,” I said. "I was getting so sick of the cold and the rain. I was starting to worry that I'd never see spring." 

            “I know, I mean I guess I can’t complain too much. I’ve been out in Los Angeles but still.” He smiled.

            “So, what’s it like being an actor?” I wondered. We talked a little bit about Chris’s work but I knew about most of his movies. There wasn’t a lot he needed to explain as far as Marvel or who Captain America was. But I had no idea what it was like to be a famous actor. The only piece of fame I’d had was winning an award in high school for some dumb reason.

            “It’s good I mean it’s what I’ve always wanted to do.”

            “But…?” I could sense a bit of hesitation in his voice.

            He shrugged and went to sit down by the small pond in the park. I sat on the bench next to him. I watched a few ducks and geese waddling along the grass and two swans swimming. I loved the Commons; it had always been a place of peace for me.

            “It comes with a price,” Chris explained. “The media and fans can be really overwhelming. It’s not the best for someone with anxiety.”

            “I couldn’t even imagine. Events like premieres and interviews seem so stressful.” I said. “I mean I get anxiety when I’m ordering food.” I giggled.

            He chuckled and stretched. “I’m getting better at it though.” He rested his arm on the top of the bench, lightly touching my back.

            “You always seemed like such a sweet guy in public,” I said gently and subtly moved closer to him.

            “So now that you know me, do you still think that?” His eyes searched mine.

            “Of course.” I returned the gaze. I was still working on not getting lost in his eyes. I cleared my throat and ducked my head when I felt my cheeks heating up. “I mean, you’ve done so much for me already.”

            “You’ve done a lot for me too.”

            “What do you mean? You paid for my coffee and breakfast…” I reminded him.

            I felt his fingertips grazing over my shoulder. He tilted his head to the side and tried to meet my eyes again. “Molly, I rarely find people who I connect with on such a personal level. When I met you, I knew instantly that we were alike. Not only were we from the same city and totally adored Tom Brady-”

            I giggled and nodded. “He’s mine, okay? You can’t steal him from me.”

            He grinned. “Fair enough. But I could see that you were kind and just something about you made me realize that you would understand.”

            “Understand you?”

            “Sort of. But you also just seem to understand life. I don’t know if it’s because you’ve gone through so much, but…” He sighed. “I’m sorry, I’m rambling. I’m probably not making much sense.”

            “No…I get it.” I said softly. “You feel…lost and alone even though there are so many people around you.”

            His eyes widened slightly and he nodded. “Yeah, exactly.” He whispered.

            I smiled and reached for his hand near my shoulder. “You’re not alone, Chris.”

            “Neither are you.”

            I was suddenly aware of how close we were. We had moved even closer to each other and our knees were touching. I was blushing like crazy but I couldn’t even attempt to pull my eyes away from his. My heart skipped a beat when he tipped his chin down and tilted his head slightly to the right. He leaned in.

            He was going to kiss me.

            It took every ounce of my being to look down and turn away from him. “Chris…” I whispered.

            “Shit, sorry.” He closed his eyes and shook his head. “I’m moving way too fast. I shouldn’t have-”

            “God, no. Chris, I want to kiss you so badly.” I said and met his eyes again.

            He looked confused. “Okay…”

            “But I really shouldn’t.” I swallowed and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. “It’s not fair to you.”

            “I don’t think I know what you mean.” It didn’t seem like he was hurt, but he was definitely lost.

            I didn’t blame him. I knew I was being cryptic and giving off mixed signals. _That’s why you don’t even start these sorts of relationships._ The little voice in my head scolded me. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have even come to see you again.” Tears stung my eyes as I tried to stand up to make a quick exit.      

            “Molly, please.” Chris reached out and grabbed my hand. “Don’t just leave me wondering what happened. If I did anything wrong, I need you to tell me.”

            “It’s not you.” I didn’t leave but I stayed standing. I turned to face him and bit my lip. His face was making it harder. He looked like a dejected puppy who had been put out in the rain.

            “Then I don’t understand.”

            “I don’t know how to explain it to you. I know you said we’re on the same wavelength or whatever but it’s still hard to tell you.” I swallowed back my tears. Every inch of me wanted to just leave him alone so he wouldn’t have to deal with everything I went through. But there was still a piece of me that refused to let go of his hand.

            “Just try, I’ll do my best to understand.” He pled gently. “Please, I can’t just let this end before it’s even started.”

            My lower lip wobbled and anxiety bubbled up my throat. The breakfast we’d just had was starting to make me feel nauseous. “I know I haven’t told you a lot about my condition but I think that’s for the best.” I started to explain. I couldn’t stop the words even if I wanted to. If he wanted an explanation I at least owed him that much.

            Chris gestured for me to sit down, squeezing my hand slightly. “Why is it for the best?”

            “Because…” I swallowed. “For years, my mom had to cope with what I went through. She didn’t have much of a choice. I had friends in high school but they didn’t want to go through all the troubles that I faced. They didn’t know how to treat me…they didn’t know how to react to the pain I was in. So I isolated myself because it would be easier for them.”

            “But you’d be lonely.”

            “At least it didn’t mean I would drag people down with me.” I sighed and looked at our hands. “And I guess that’s my main point. When you’re in a relationship with me, romantic or not, you’re forced to deal with my illness. It’s like dating a smoker. You either take the second-hand smoke, or you leave. It would be best if you left. Everyone does eventually.”

            “Molly,” Chris reached over and tilted my chin up with careful fingers. “I’m not afraid of those things. If I had to do some extra work taking care of you then I would.” He said firmly. “I can drive you to doctor’s appointments, I can be there for you when you can’t sleep, and I can do everything I can to ease your pain.”

            I had heard this all before. Friends and even boyfriends promised they would take care of me. They promised they could handle it. “Do you know how emotionally draining that can be?” I wanted to look away but he kept a hand under my chin.

            “I’m willing to try.”

            “I know you could do it for maybe a few weeks or months but long term? I don’t want to subject you to that. You’re an actor and you have your own life to live.”

            “I can do both.” The passion in his voice didn’t fade. “Molly, I promise. I at least want to try.”

            “And what happens if we do start a relationship?” I demanded. “I don’t think I can have kids…my organs could fail…I could die when I’m forty, Chris!” I exclaimed.

            “We’re only talking about today.” He said softly. “The future is the future and it isn’t anything we can plan for.”

            “I can plan for it. I can plan for you to stay away from me so you don’t get hurt in the long run.” I protested.

            “I’ll be hurt if you walk away now.” He said looking me straight in the eyes.

            I bit the inside of my cheek. I thought it would be easier, I thought he would listen to my warnings and walk away. But he was making it ten times harder than I anticipated. “You promise to tell me if it’s overwhelming?”  

            “Yes, of course.”

            “And if you can’t handle it, you’ll tell me? I don’t want you to stick around because you feel bad for me or you don’t want to hurt my feelings. If you want out, you leave.” I said firmly.

            “Okay.” He nodded. “Deal.”

            I sighed. “Evans, you don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.” I gave him one last chance to realize his mistake.

            “Nah, I think I do and I’m looking forward to it.” He smiled and leaned in to kiss me.

            Captain America was kissing me. The tense moment was completely washed away as I returned the kiss. I felt in sync with his lips, his heartbeat, and his breathing. Never in my thirty years of living had I ever been touched in such a way. Even though I still had doubts, he was pretty good at swaying me.


	5. Chapter 5

            “So, you know Selena Gomez, right?”

            “Not personally, but yes.” Chris nodded.

            “We have the same disease, Lupus.” I didn’t get any relief by telling him. Even after kissing him, I was still anxious about what might happen to him.

            “Oh.” He nodded. “And that’s when…”

            “It’s okay if you don’t really know what it is. A lot of people don’t really know what it’s about, they’ve only heard about it.”

           

            After our walk in the park, Chris and I went back to our respective apartments. I had to get some work done at home and I wanted to shower before going out to dinner with him that night.

            We didn’t go anywhere fancy, just an Italian restaurant in the North End. Chris got a secluded table where we could talk and no one would bother us. The last thing I wanted was to have someone recognize Chris and make a big deal out of it. Thankfully, he’d only gotten a few double takes while we were together. But I didn’t need anyone making assumptions about us. It was hard enough starting the relationship without anyone trying to butt into it.

            “Basically it’s when my immune system attacks my organs and tissue.” It was the basic definition that my doctors gave me and I relayed to everyone who asked.

            “Is it painful?” Chris didn’t seem too interested in the biology of it like everyone else was. He asked the question that I usually didn’t like to talk about or even think about.

            I swallowed and nodded. “Yeah.” I didn’t look into his eyes.

            He reached across the table like he did during breakfast. His fingers outstretched towards me and waited patiently.

            I stared at his palm for a moment, looking over the lines that moved over his skin. I briefly thought about the people who read palms, and I wondered what they would say about Chris. They would probably say I wouldn’t live very long.

            Doctors always told me I would live a happy and healthy life as long as I took care of myself. But the cynical side of me was always waiting for the day something went wrong. In a way, I wasn’t scared of it.

            Then I looked up at Chris. What would happen if a complication came up? What if I didn’t get the chance to get to know him? What if he got too invested in the relationship only to have it suddenly end short?

            I felt anxiety tug at my heart. For the first time, I was afraid.

            I reached over and held his hand like it was a lifeline.

            “What are the risks? Is there anything I can learn to make it easier for you?” Chris asked with concern in his eyes.

            I bit my lip and shook my head. “There are a lot of complications that could happen,” I admitted. “Kidney failure, heart attacks, infections, problems with my lungs, my nervous system, I could…”

            “Hey, hey.”

            I realized I was starting to sound panicked. Never before had I been so openly worried about my condition. My doctors sometimes wondered if I was still in denial about my diagnosis.

            Chris’s eyes brought me back. I was in the restaurant, in a warm corner with him. We were holding hands and his skin was soft against mine. There was the scent of garlic bread and marinara sauce in the air, soft music played overhead, and the sound of lulling chatter surrounded us.

            I wasn’t in the hospital; I wasn’t in a doctor’s office. I was with Chris and he was holding my hand.

            “It’s okay, you don’t have to go into detail about that stuff. I’m sure with modern medicine and all the research they’re doing, you’ll be okay.” He said softly.

            I nodded slowly. “That’s what they keep telling me.”

            His thumb made comforting circles over the top of my hand and I relaxed even more. “I’ll read up on it.” He said gently. “I want to make sure I know about everything and I can do what I can.”

            I smiled sadly. “Thank you,” I whispered. “That means a lot to me.”

            “Will you tell me when you’re in pain?” He requested. “I want to make sure I’m aware of it so I’m not doing anything wrong.”

            “There’s not a lot you could do that’s wrong,” I assured him. “But, yes.”

            “Thank you.” He seemed relieved at the thought. “I know it was tough to talk about but I appreciate it. It makes me feel better, strangely enough.”

            “No, I know what you mean.” I nodded.

            “I was just afraid you were going to tell me you only had three months to live or…” He sighed. “That would be my worst nightmare.”

            “What if I did only have three months left to live?” I knew it was probably unfair to ask, but he made me curious.

            “Well, I’d make the most out of those three months.” He answered genuinely. “It might sound weird, but I would probably marry you.” He admitted with a sheepish smile.

            I burst out in giggles. “Really?” I hadn’t even had time to think about the potential of our relationship. I could only worry about the worst-case scenarios. After kissing him, I could picture a few more things I’d like to do with him, but those were probably left over from Captain America fantasies.

            “Call me a hopeless romantic, but yes. Only if you wanted to, of course. But I would want to give you everything you needed.”

            “You’re too much.” I sighed and shook my head. “Seriously, you are the embodiment of Steve Rogers.”

            “That’s what people tell me.” He said shyly. “But I’m serious, anything you need…”

            “Chris, I know you want to be helpful but I’ve been dealing with it since I was a teenager.” I reminded him.

            “Right.” He nodded. “I don’t want to make it seem like you can’t take care of yourself.”

            “No, I understand. Most people want to try and take care of me. But I don’t need you to do that. I don’t want you to be my nurse or doctor.” I smiled. “Well…that would be fun to see.”

            He laughed. “Alright, we’ll return to that fantasy later…” He teased.

            I blushed and stuck my tongue out at him. “You know what I mean. I only need you to be a…you know…” My cheeks only got redder.

            “Boyfriend?” He smirked and raised an eyebrow.

            “I didn’t say it, you did.”

            “Yep.”

            I gazed back at him. “So, you want to make it official?”

            “I mean, we already kissed.”

            I glanced over at the restaurant. I watched a few people all having their own conversations. “What about your public life?”

            “You mean with Marvel?” He drew my attention back to his face.

            “Yeah.”

            “Well, it’s my choice who I date. If you want to make it official in the media or whatever, we can. But…I’d like to keep you to myself for a few weeks. I don’t need to involve the entire country in our business.”

            I smiled and felt the familiar warmth in my heart when he spoke about us as a couple. “I’d like that too.”

           

            After dinner, Chris and I walked outside to catch a taxi. He placed his jacket on my shoulders because I hadn’t planned for it to cool down so much.

            “Are you sure you’re okay getting home by yourself?” Chris asked.

            I nodded. “Yeah, I don’t want you to have to make a stop. You seem tired from your flight still.”

            “Alright. Will you text me when you get home?” He asked.

            “As long as you kiss me again.” I bargained.

            He grinned and pulled me close. “That’s a win-win for me.” He murmured and kissed me softly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have lupus but I have other autoimmune diseases. If anyone has personal experience and wants to give me some pointers, I would love that more than anything. If you do, you can request literally anything because I'll be indebted to you.


	6. Chapter 6

            “Alright, here we are.” Chris unlocked his apartment door and let me inside. There was a loud bark and a ball of fur came running at me. “Dodger, Dodger, no!” He scolded and tried to get the overexcited dog off of me.

            I giggled and knelt down to stroke the dog’s ears. “It’s okay, I love dogs,” I said. “Yes, hi, handsome.” I cooed and let Dodger lick my cheek.

            “Alright, Dodge, let her inside.” Chris chuckled.

            I stood up and followed him further into the apartment, Dodger at our heels. I looked around at the spacious and modern space. “Wow, it’s beautiful in here,” I said softly. I walked over to the windows and saw he had a pretty good view of the Hancock and Prudential buildings.

            “Thanks, it’s pretty empty. I’m always traveling back and forth so I still have stuff at my mom’s house.” He explained and set his keys down on the kitchen counter. “But, make yourself at home. Can I get you a drink or anything?” He offered.

            “Just a water is fine.” I smiled. The weather was starting to get unbearably humid and even the short walk to Chris’s apartment was brutal. “So, you must have a lot of friends here.”

            Chris went into his fridge and got two bottles of water. “Yeah, a few. Not a lot of my coworkers live here, they’re usually in New York or Los Angeles.”

            I sat down on the couch near the windows. Dodger jumped up and cuddled up beside me. His tail thumped against the cushions as he looked at me expectantly. I smiled and started to rub his tummy. “So you’re close to most of your Marvel coworkers?”

            “Yeah, you sort of become a family after that much time spent together.” He handed me the water and sat down across from me on a loveseat. “But once we’re done with filming, it’s hard to spend time together. We’re all on different schedules and all over the country.”

            I nodded. “A lot of my friends from college didn’t stay in the city. They went to Los Angeles, Chicago, New York, some even went to Nashville and Houston.”

            “Do you miss them?” Chris wondered.

 

            I thought about my best friend in college. She always tried her best to help me cope. We lived together for a year or so after graduation. But then she said she wanted to go move in with her new boyfriend. They’d only been dating for three months so I had a feeling she wanted to get out of our apartment.

            At the time I was having a hard time and admittedly, I was difficult to be around, let alone live with.  I never slept and would often wander around the apartment in the middle of the night. I never wanted to have anyone over and I brought the stress of work home with me.

            Then she and her boyfriend moved to Silicon Valley for his job. They got married two summers ago, but I got a nasty lung infection that made me unfit to fly.

            I cleared my throat. “Yeah, I do. But they’re happy and that’s all I want for them.”

            “Yeah, I get that. I think that makes you a good person though.” Chris nodded. “So, I was doing some research.” He stood up and went down the hall.

            “Okay, on what?” I questioned.

            He returned with a shopping bag. “Lupus, and I know you don’t want me to make a big deal out of it.” He explained when he saw I was about to protest. “I just wanted to look up some little things I could do.”

            I sighed. “You’re too nice.”

            He chuckled and started pulling things out of the bag. “So, the website recommended a bunch of stuff. They said heat was good for joint pain. So, I got a heating pad, I figured you might alright have one so if you want to leave it here, you can use it whenever you’re over.” He said with a shy smile.

            I felt my heart flutter at the prospect of having things at his apartment. We’d only been officially together for about a week, but I felt positive about it. There were sometimes, usually late at night, when I berated myself for forcing Chris to deal with my symptoms. The guilt ate at me and my rational brain never reminded me that he was free to stop seeing me any time he wanted. I blamed myself for making him pity me. But most of those thoughts dissolved when I was with him.

            “And Epsom salt…uh this lavender essential oil, which I’m not sure actually works but you could try it. And I also looked up some meditations. The website said relaxation was key. We can try them together.”

            “I’ll probably laugh like a dork,” I admitted. “I’m not very good and being zen.”

            He chuckled. “Neither am I but maybe some laughter is just as good.”

            “Hm, that might be true.” I looked fondly at him. “Thank you, Chris, this was so sweet of you. I’ll pay you back…”

            “It’s a gift. You don’t need to pay me back for anything.”

            I gave him a look. “We talked about this.” I protested.

            “I know, I know…okay.” He held his hands up. “You can get me a coffee sometime.”

            “I’ll buy you dinner.”

            “We can split dinner.”

            “I can buy dinner and dessert.”

            Chris groaned and tilted his head back. “That’s not how negotiating works.”

            “Take it or leave it, Evans.” I shrugged.

            His blue eyes returned to my face. “Alright, you can buy me dinner.” He caved, knowing I wouldn’t budge. “But I’m buying dessert.”

            “It’s a deal.” I looked amused. “Are you sure you still want to date me?”

            “You’re going to have to try harder to scare me away, Molly.”

 

 

            A few more days would pass before Chris started to see the ugliness of my condition. I was holding out hope that he would be spared from it entirely. But I knew that as long as he wanted to be a part of my life, he would see how Lupus wrecked havoc.

            One morning, I woke up with an excruciating headache and unbearable pain my shoulders that radiated down to my lower back. I reached for my phone, wincing at my shoulder pain. I did my best to ignore it and unlocked my phone. I found Chris’s good morning text waiting for me. In fact, he had sent it at six in the morning, probably before he went for a run or to the gym.

            Chris: How are you feeling?

            The throbbing pain behind my eye had me recoiling from the light of my phone. I turned down the brightness and stared at the screen. I debated telling him the truth or not. It was Saturday. So I didn’t have to work. We planned on seeing each other so he would probably ask if I bailed. The more I thought about it, the worst I felt and the bigger my headache got. I didn’t want to lie but I didn’t want him worried either.

            My phone buzzed and showed that Chris was calling. My time to think was up.

            I answered, still not sure what I was going to tell him. “Hi,” I said, my throat scratchy from sleep.

            “Hey, did I wake you up?”

            “Yeah, I know it’s late.” The clock on my nightstand read nine-thirty.

            “It’s your day off, you can sleep in. Did you get enough hours?”

            “Sort of.” I grimaced as I sat up against my pillows.

            “Everything okay?”

            I was hoping he wouldn’t ask. “I’m fine, just a headache.” I omitted any graphic details about how painful it felt.

            “Can I do anything?” He asked.

            “No, I just need to take it easy this weekend. We might not be able to go out, sorry. I know we were looking forward to spending time together.”

            “I can come over, I’m not busy today.”

            “I don’t want you dropping everything for me. I can handle a stupid headache.”

            “C’mon, I’ll pick up breakfast for you on the way over. We can just hang out and watch a movie.

            I sighed. Snuggling up with Chris did sound good. “Alright.”

           

            I answered the door and let Chris in. I felt a little self-conscious the first time I invited him over. I didn’t want him judging the way I lived even though he wasn’t the type to do that.

            I got over my worried fairly quickly. Having Chris over was natural now. Even though we were in the new stages of our relationship, I wasn’t feeling the usual awkwardness.

            Dodger burst into my apartment and started to sniff around. He’d been over a few times and was actually pretty calm after the first few minutes of checking out the perimeters.

            “Dodge, c’mon buddy, we’re trying to keep the environment calm.” Chris sighed and kissed my cheek as I let him in. “Sorry, I didn’t want to leave him alone for so long.”

            “It’s okay, I was hoping you’d bring him over.” I smiled and shut the door.

            “Okay, so I brought over some Disney movies on my laptop.” He set his backpack down.

            “Sounds good. Do you want me to make you anything?” I asked.

            “Nope, I’m taking care of you today.” He put his hands on my shoulders and steered me towards the couch.

            “But you’re a guest in my apartment.” I protested.

            “I’m hardly a guest anymore, I sort of know my way around your kitchen.”

            “Because it’s so small.”

            “Lay down.” He took the blanket off the top of the couch and unfolded it.

            I listened and let him place the blanket over me. “Need more pillows? What about socks?”

            “Chris…”

            “Humor me.” He smiled.

            I sighed and decided to let him do his thing. “I have fuzzy socks in the top drawer of my dresser,” I told him.

            He nodded and left to gather a few things. After a few minutes, he returned with my socks, an extra pillow from my bed, and an extra blanket. “Any medication you need?”

            I shook my head. “I already took it for the morning. I have some Motrin next to my fridge.”

            “Alright, how many do you take?” He walked to the fridge.

            “Two.” Dodger jumped up on the couch and cuddled up with me. I smiled and stroked his ears.

            Chris came back and smiled. “Dodge, are you trying to help Molly feel better?” He chuckled and handed me a glass of water and painkillers.  

            “I wish I could have a dog but my stupid landlord won’t let me.” I took the pills and gave him the glass back.

            “Well, you can have Dodger over anytime. You don’t even need to see me, if you just need some Dodger time, I’ll drop him off.”

            I giggled. “Oh good, because for a minute there I thought I was going to have to invite Chris Evans over whenever I wanted to see his dog.” I teased.

            He laughed. “Hey, I’m just saying.” He set up his laptop and started to play  _Robin Hood._

            I felt my heart melt. “You remembered my favorite Disney movie.”

            “Of course.” He smiled sheepishly. “I actually listen when you tell me things,” He sat down on the couch and kicked his feet up.

            I glanced over and realized he was a full couch cushion away from me. “No, no, no, this won’t do.” I shook my head and sat up.

            Chris looked confused. “What?”

            “You promised we would cuddle.” I pouted. “Now, Dodger is cuddling with me but you said we would cuddle too.”

            He grinned and pushed the pillows aside. He moved closer to me and placed a pillow on his lap. I immediately accepted the invitation and curled up against him.

            “Okay, that’s better.” I sighed.

            Chris chuckled and rested one hand on my shoulder. His other hand gently ran through my hair in a soothing rhythm.


	7. Chapter 7

            “Let’s see…we could watch some more Parks and Rec. You wanted to watch Portlandia too.”

            “Someone from work mentioned it.” I continued scrolling through Netflix, the facetime window on the left side of my laptop screen.

            “I hear it was quirky. We could try it out.” Chris agreed.

            We were apart again. Chris was in New York as he started his debut on Broadway in Lobby Hero. I wasn’t looking forward to the long weeks apart, but I planned to take a few days off to visit him in Manhattan. As much as I missed him, we made it work. We texted throughout the day and called each other at night. We also face timed to watch Netflix together some nights too.

            I was staying at his place so I could take care of Dodger while he was away. It was nice being around his things. His pillows held his scent and made me feel closer to him.

            “I’m going to start saying your name like Chris Traeger,” Chris said halfway through the episode of Parks and Recreation.

            I giggled. “That would be cute.”

            “Molly Reed!”

            “Chris Evans!” I replied in the same perky tone.

            He grinned and shook his head. “I miss you so much.” He sighed and looked at me through the little camera that was connecting us.

            “I miss you too. We both miss you.” I turned the laptop so he could see Dodger sleeping on the couch. “But…we miss your beard too.”

            He groaned. “Not the mustache talk again.”

            “I’m sorry but it’s just so not your style!” I winced sympathetically. “I know it’s for the role but it’s a little creepy.”

            “It’s not that bad.”

            “It’s a pornstache, Chris.”

            “I know it’s a pornstache.” He wrinkled his nose. “I promise once this is over I’ll grow the beard back.”

            “Promise?”

            “Pinky promise.” He smiled. “How’ve you been feeling?” He asked.

            “Alright.” I shrugged and fluffed one of the pillows I was using. “I haven’t really had much of a headache in the past few days.”

            “That’s awesome.” He seemed relieved. I knew he worried that I downplayed my pain.

             “Yeah, it makes work easier for sure.” I started to rub Dodger’s stomach as he stretched his long legs out.

            “I bet.”

            “How’re rehearsals?” I turned down the volume on the Netflix screen so I could pay closer attention to him.

            “It’s fun, takes me back to my school production days.”

            “Just on a Broadway stage.”

            He laughed and nodded. “Dreams do come true.” I only smiled and shrugged. “What did you dream about being in high school?” He asked.

            I froze up a little. “Me? Oh, I really didn’t know back then.” I replied quietly. But anyone could have seen that I was lying.

            He raised an eyebrow at me. “Are you sure?”

            I sighed. “Okay, don’t laugh.”

            “I won’t laugh.” He promised. His eyes were sweet and I knew he wouldn’t.

            I felt my cheeks getting red even before I started explaining. “Okay, when I was little, my mom and I would garden together. I always loved being around plants and learning about different flowers. So I sort of became a plant nerd in school. I worked for a florist when I was in high school and I wanted to be a horticulturist.” I smiled weakly and shrugged. “But my parents knew I wouldn’t make any money so they urged me to pursue something else, so I did.”

            “And now?” Chris rested his chin on his hand.

            “Now I live in the city and the most I have are a few houseplants and a planter box.” I swallowed. “I guess sometimes dreams are meant to stay dreams.”

            Chris was quiet for a moment. I couldn’t figure out what he was thinking or even feeling from his expression. “What’re your favorite flowers?” He finally asked.

            I was a little surprised. I expected him to say something about going after my dream or pushing me towards quitting my job like others usually did. It seemed like everyone thought I should experience my dream job because I was sick. It was like they expected me to be completing some bucket list in case I met an untimely demise. I would often counter that a car could hit them and I might live for another hundred years. People usually didn’t think it was funny.

            “Bleeding hearts,” I answered without needing to think. “I like cacti a lot but bleeding hearts are my favorite plants. Orchids are probably second…I like strangely shaped flowers I guess.”

            “Birds of paradise.” Chris pointed out. "Those are pretty crazy looking." 

            I smiled and nodded. “Yeah, those are neat.”

            “Why bleeding hearts? Is there a meaning behind them? I know certain flowers mean certain things. I should probably get a book of plants to keep up with you.” He wondered and I watched as he typed something on his laptop.

            “Maybe you should, Evans." I giggled. "Well, we always had them in our garden,” I answered. “They’re not easy to maintain. They need certain growing conditions, but they’re worth the trouble. I looked up the meaning a while back and they usually represent purity or the death of a young woman.”

            “Oh…” Chris furrowed his eyebrows.

            “Yeah…” I bit my lip. “Anyways…” I looked at the Netflix screen and realized the episode had ended. “Do you need to get to bed? Am I keeping you up?”

            “It’s okay, it’s not that late.” He smiled. “I miss you.” He said again.

            “I miss you too. I can’t wait to see you.”

           

 

            Two weeks later, I arrived at JFK with Dodger by my side. He started dancing in place when he saw Chris waiting near the baggage claim. I couldn’t blame him; I had to do my best not to jump into his arms.

            Dodger dragged me through the crowd to Chris who was waiting with a bouquet of flowers. “Hey, buddy!” He knelt down to let Dodger greet him. “I know, I missed you too!” He stood up and hugged me tightly.

            “Hi,” I said softly and made sure I held onto the leash as I hugged him back.

            “Hey.” Chris pulled back to look at my face. He touched my cheek and kissed me gently.

            I held back a giggle as I kissed him back.

            He felt me move and groaned. “It’s the mustache isn’t it?” He asked as he pulled back.

            “I’m sorry, I should be used to it because you’ve had a beard but…” I wrinkled my nose. “I’m sorry, I’ll get used to it.”

            He smiled and shook his head. “It’s okay.”

            “You got me flowers?” I asked hopefully.

            “Yeah, uh…” He got a little sheepish and let me take the bouquet. “I looked for bleeding hearts but they said they usually don’t use them in bouquets. But you mentioned orchids.”

            I smiled warmly and felt tears in my eyes. I got flowers a lot, whenever I had to go through a medical procedure, my mom sent me flowers. And of course I appreciated the gesture, but the way Chris went about it made me feel ten times more special. “They’re beautiful, thank you. Orchid and lilies always look perfect together.”

            “That’s what the florist was saying.” He took my suitcase and wrapped an arm around my shoulders as we started walking to the exit. “She said if you ever wanted a bleeding heart bouquet, she could do a special order. So just give me the word.”

            I blushed and shook my head. “The fact that you tried is more than enough. It just means you listened and remembered even after all this time.”

            “My mom said men should know their partner’s favorite flowers.” He shrugged. “I’m just glad you’re into flowers because I don’t want to seem unoriginal.”

            “You could get me plants for every holiday for the rest of my life and I would marry you in a heartbeat.” I giggled.

            “Well then, I guess I’m going to have to get myself a personal florist because you just gave me a one-way ticket to your heart, Miss Reed.”

            I laughed and for a moment, I could very well picture myself with Chris for a lifetime.

             _But that would be selfish._

            My smile faded as I heard the voice of reason pipe up.

             _Doesn’t he deserve someone who can have children? You know he wants a family. Let him be happy with a woman who can give him a family._

            I felt a lump in my throat and didn't even realize the sudden group of people taking pictures of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love bleeding hearts so I looked up the meaning and was like...whoa total coincidence. I love when these things line up for me.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mention of hospitals and past suicidal thoughts

            Chris pulled me close to his side and did his best to shield me from the camera flashes. He rushed Dodger and me to a car waiting outside.

            “Sorry.” He muttered and got in the back with us.

            “It’s okay.” I was still dazed by the sudden attack of photographers and fans. “I guess I should’ve been expecting that. New York is…”

            “It’s worse than Boston.” Chris sighed as the car began to pull away from the airport terminal. “Look, we don’t need to make anything public if you’re uncomfortable with it.” He prefaced.

            “Chris, I know you’re a famous actor. This is kind of what I signed up for when we started dating.” I reminded him.

            “I know but…” He sighed. “I’ll try to protect you from it as much as I can.” He vowed.

            “Okay.” I nodded and leaned over to kiss his cheek.

 

            Dodger sniffed around the hotel room, as I unpacked a few things. I took out my toiletries and went into the bathroom to place the bag by the sink.

            Chris walked back into the room with an ice bucket full of water. “This was the best I could find.”

            I smiled and unwrapped the bouquet he brought me. I placed the flowers in water. “I’m sure it’ll be fine. I just hope they last. I’ll have to make some pressings to keep.” I decided as I arranged them perfectly.

            He sat down on the bed, Dodger jumping up to lay next to him. “So what do you want to do first?” He asked.

            “I don’t know. I haven’t been to New York in a few years.” I admitted. “I wanted to see the theater where you’re working,” I suggested. “We don’t need to go inside, but I wanted to just see where you’ve been for the last few weeks.”

            He chuckled and rubbed Dodger’s stomach. “It’s not much now. They put the posters out though.” He noted. “You’ll get to see those. And, I snagged you seats to opening night.”

            My eyes lit up. “Really?” I gasped.

            “Front row.”

            I rushed into his arms. “Thank you! I can’t wait to see it.” I said and kissed his cheek a few times.”

            He hugged me back; the motion knocked my purse off the bed. “Oh shit, sorry.” He let go of me to help pick up the contents.

            “No, it’s okay.” I knelt down to round up all the change I had sitting at the bottom of my purse.

            “What…is this?” Chris picked something up.

            My heart skipped a beat when I saw what he was holding. “Oh, that’s nothing.” I ducked my head and finished cleaning up the rest of my purse’s contents.

            “Are they hospital bracelets?” Chris flipped through the accumulation of hospital bracelets that I kept on a key ring.

            “Yeah, I uh…” I swallowed and put my purse upright on the floor. “Sorry, it’s probably weird that I kept them.”

            “It’s not weird, just why? Why’d you keep them?” He asked as he read off some of the information on the bracelets. They all pretty much read the same thing, my name, and birthdate. The date of intake changed, as did my age.

            “So…so I’m aware.” I cleared my throat and stood up to busy myself with something else.

            “Aware of your illness?”

            “Not my illness, so much as what I’ve been through.” I shrugged and started unnecessarily sorting my clothes.

            “Do you want to hold onto what you’ve been through?”

            “Well, if I don’t remember, then I could be stupid and believe that I can live a normal life. These remind me that there isn't much of a chance for that. People don't usually spend that much time in a fucking hospital.”

            “Molly.” Chris reached over and stopped my hands from continually sorting my clothing.

            I felt tears prick my eyes. It hadn’t been an hour yet and I was already crying in front of him. I thought our reunion would be a little happier. “You don’t have to worry about it, Chris. It's really nothing.”

            “I am going to worry about it. You shouldn’t feel like you can’t live a normal life. You’re not abnormal. You work and you function like everyone. You can live a typical life with me, we've talked about this.” He urged.

            “You don’t know how I functioned before! You don't know what I've been through!” I spat and realized how harsh I sounded. “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have…” I ran a hand through my hair and pulled away from him. “Maybe this was a mistake. I shouldn’t have come.”

            “Molly, you can’t always run when you feel tough emotions. You need to let them out or their just going to make things worse. Trust me, I know from experience.”

            “Dealing with pain is easier than dealing with those emotions sometimes. Because at least I know what pain is and I know that eventually, it will pass. But when I get scared or sad…” I couldn’t stop the tears. “It feels like I’ll never get over it.”

            “But it does pass. I promise that whenever you’re down you will be happy again. And I want to be the one that makes you happy.” He kept my hands in his and his eyes steady on me.

            “It wasn’t that simple, not a few years ago.” I swallowed and wiped my eyes roughly.

            “Tell me about it then, tell me what it was like a few years ago.” He coaxed. He gently tugged me onto the bed. He laid back and let me kneel by his side. I wanted to curl up next to him but hesitated.

            “When I graduated college, I started working. I was sort of happy in college, I had friends and a purpose. Then when I started working, I found I was living every day exactly the same. I woke up, went to work, sometimes had a doctor’s appointment, and then I went home. I wasn’t happy. I hated my life and I hated my job." I balled my hands into fists as I spoke. "There wasn’t anything else in the world that gave me joy even though I tried so hard to find it. I stopped taking care of my illness, stopped taking my medication regularly, didn’t take care of my pain, and just gave up. I was in and out of the hospital more often, I got more infections…it was hell. I was making it worse for myself but I felt like I was in this downward spiral and I couldn’t tell myself to stop. Eventually, I ended up in the hospital from a lung infection and I…” My lower lip wobbled. I had never told anyone what I was thinking back then. I lied to all the doctors and I lied to my mother and friends. They saw the physical pain I was going through, but not the emotional struggle I was facing internally.

            Chris sat up and wiped away my tears with his thumb. “Take a breath.” He whispered and kissed my forehead. He took my hand, slipped it under his shirt, and rested it on his chest, right where I could feel his heartbeat.

            I instantly calmed me and I could continue on. “I told myself I wanted to die. I wanted that infection to kill me.” My voice shook mercilessly. “I hated my life and I was just a burden to everyone. So wouldn’t it be easier if I just succumbed to the infection? People would be sad, maybe but they would learn to get over it. And they wouldn’t have to worry about me any longer.”

            “That’s not true.” He said quietly. “And I think you know it’s not true. So many people would miss you, and you can add me to that list. It’s only been a few months, Molly, but if you passed…I would be lost. You’ve brightened up my life so much, you don’t even know.” He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.

            “You’ve brightened my life too.” I choked out tearfully. “Even though you make me cry a lot.” I giggled.

            He smiled. “Well, hopefully, that’ll change. I want to make you smile, but if you need to cry, then I’m here too. I hate seeing you this upset but everyone needs someone to listen to them.” He kissed my forehead again, left a small peck on the tip of my nose, and then two kisses on either cheek. “But promise me, look me in the eyes, and promise that you’ll tell me if you ever feel that way again.”

            I looked at his blue eyes and nodded. “I promise.”

            “Okay good.” He seemed relieved. “Now, can we throw away those bracelets?” He asked with hope in his voice.

            I paused. “I uh…”

            “Because I think they’re holding you back. If you don’t want to, then you don’t have to. That’s just my opinion.”

            I thought for a moment and nodded slowly. “Yeah…yeah, we can.” I whispered. “I don’t need them anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually went through this recently. I found the collection of hospital bracelets I've kept over the years of chronic and mental illness. I decided to throw them away simply because I wanted to move forward. It was a huge relief. I wish I had done it sooner.


	9. Chapter 9

            “Alright, say…New York isn’t as good as Boston.”

            I giggled. “You want me to get beat up in the middle of Times Square?” I accused but smiled for the picture anyways.

            “There, beautiful smile.” Chris lowered his phone and walked over to me. “C’mon, let’s get out of here.” He wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “It’s too crowded.

            “No kidding.” I agreed and walked by his side. “Where do you want to go next?”

            “Well…there are a lot of good art museums. We could go see the Hudson.”

            “What about Central Park?” I suggested.

            “Sure. It’s beautiful this time of year.” He nodded. “I mean, it’s not as good as the Commons but I might be a little biased.”

            “Maybe, but we both know it’s true. Can you imagine if I was from New York?” I teased.

            Chris was big enough to navigate us both through the crowded sidewalks. “I’m pretty sure I’d still date you.” He decided. “I mean, I could convert you to Boston sports teams.”

            “Oh, could you?”

            “No other city has Tom Brady, let’s just put it that way.” We turned onto a quieter street and headed toward the park.

            “True…” I leaned into his side to make sure I wasn’t running into anyone else on the sidewalk. I didn’t mind Manhattan, but the crowds got too overwhelming for me.

            We arrived at the park and there were a few vendors at the entrance. I stopped at a cart with t-shirts and hats. “I’m going to get you a Yankees hat.”

            “Don’t you dare…” He gave me a look.

            “Okay, okay, a Jets hat.”

            “I won’t wear it.” He said defiantly. “I will keep it in my closet but I won’t wear it.”

            We kept moving and he moved his arm to my waist. “At least you wouldn’t burn it.”

            “Well, you bought it for me so that’s why.”

            “I’m flattered.” I smiled and felt a little calmer once we were in the spacious park.

            We walked for a bit, watching a softball game for a bit, and then observing people as they passed. That was one thing I liked about New York, the amount of diversity and all the different stories people brought to the city.

            Then, we came across the Conservatory Gardens. After all our talk about flowers, it was a no-brainer that we would walk through. I felt even more at peace, walking amidst the flowers with Chris. It was almost like a dream.

            I commented on certain flowers I liked and a few meanings I remembered from high school. Chris listened intently as if I was telling him the most important information ever given.

            I knelt down and gasped softly. “I love Baby’s Breath.” I touched the tiny, delicate white flowers. I blushed. “Sorry, I’m being a total nerd. I’m probably boring you.”

            Chris offered a hand to me to help stand up. “You’re giving me ideas for more bouquets so please, by all means, keep going.” He gave me a genuine smile.

            “You’re the first boyfriend I actually told this to,” I admitted. “All my previous relationships were so…mediocre. They would get me a cheap bouquet of roses or whatever on the first date and that was it. I never got flowers again.”

            “Well, count yourself lucky because I’m going to find the lamest excuses to buy you flowers.”

            “Oh really?” I smiled.

            “Oh, definitely.” He took my hand and continued walking along the path. “You got a new couch? Flowers. You stubbed your toe? Flowers. You found a penny on the street? Flowers. And of course, the Patriots win? Red, white, and blue flowers with a picture of Tom Brady in the middle.”

            I gasped and pressed a hand to my heart. “Really?”

            He laughed and nodded. “My hand to God.”

            “Oh Chris, you make me so happy.” I gushed a bit dramatically.

            “Well, you’re so important to me.” He grinned and kissed my temple.

            “I am so…” My voice faded as we came across a wedding ceremony in full swing. “Oh, what a beautiful place to get married,” I said softly.

            “Yeah, and the weather is perfect too.” He agreed. “Do you want to keep going, or…?”

            “Can we sit? I know it’s probably weird but I love weddings. And not just because of the flower arrangements. I just think they’re the most beautiful events in a person’s life.”

            “Yeah, of course.” He nodded and we found a bench some bit away from the ceremony, so we could observe but we weren’t intruding.

            Chris held my hand on his thigh, his thumb moving over my skin slowly. We were quiet for a bit. I took in the bride’s dress and the way the groom looked at her with such love.

            “Have you ever thought about getting married?” Chris asked after the silent moments.

            “When I was younger.” I nodded. “I never really found anyone I would consider marrying. Besides, it’s not something I would want to put on someone. I mean you have to say ‘in sickness and in health’.” I pointed out grimly.

            “But people usually mean it. They have to mean most of their vows.” Chris replied.

            “My parents didn’t,” I mumbled and looked at our hands. “I guess I’m worried about the health thing but I don’t want to follow in my mother’s footsteps.”

            “What happened?” He asked. “If you want to talk about it. You don’t have to.”

            I figured he was used to my hesitation of not wanting to talk about my past or things I’d gone through. He was usually more open, and I felt guilty. I didn’t want him to think I didn’t trust him because I did. I trusted him enormously but I didn’t trust myself. “My parents got divorced when I was in high school.”

            “When you got diagnosed?”

            I nodded. “A few months after. My mom handled it better than he did. I guess he got worried that something would happen. I mean, my mother was just as worried about the same thing but she didn’t pack up and leave.” I sighed and made sure I was holding his hand. I needed to know he was there even if he was right next to me.

            “Are you sure it was because of that? I mean, you shouldn’t blame yourself for their divorce.” He said.

            “That’s what my mom said for years. Then I went to a therapy session with him. He said he couldn’t handle the diagnosis and what I was going through. He couldn’t handle all the anxiety and anger I had either. So he found a younger girlfriend who didn’t have any kids and moved in with her before my parents even separated. My mom found out and they got a divorce. My dad’s getting remarried this fall.” I explained dully.

            Chris looked disgusted. “No decent man would ever do that.”

            “I know.” I nodded and glanced up at the wedding. It seemed a little twisted to be talking about divorce while watching the ceremony. “You would never even think about doing something like that.” I looked up at him with a sad smile.

            “I would never.”

            “That’s why I trust you. I trust that…you would be able to take care of me if I needed you to. And, as much as I hate to be a burden on anyone, you wouldn’t complain.” I felt like crying but I bit back the tears.

            “You would never be a burden to me.” He replied and touched my cheek. “Even if you were diagnosed with every illness in the world, lost all your limbs, and were paralyzed.”

            I couldn’t help but smile and shake my head. “Things could always be worse.” I agreed.

            “Even then, you would never be a burden to me. And I would never do to you what your father did.” He promised, his blue eyes never leaving mine.

            “I love you,” I whispered, uttering the three words to him for the first time.

            His entire face lit up when he heard me say them. His lips parted slightly as if he was too stunned to say anything. “I…I love you too.” He said back earnestly.

            It was a bittersweet moment for me. I was elated that I was in love, but I was scared it wouldn’t last. Despite my internal battle, I leaned over to kiss him.


	10. Chapter 10

            Boston wasn’t nearly as loud as Manhattan was at night. It didn’t help that Chris’s hotel room was near Times Square. But it was an easy commute to the theater so it made sense.

            But three in the morning rolled around and I still hadn’t gotten a bit of sleep. Chris was sleeping peacefully by my side and even Dodger was fast asleep, snoring at the end of the bed.

            I tried not to toss and turn so I wouldn’t wake either of them up. Just because I couldn’t sleep didn’t mean they had to suffer.

            I reached up to fluff my pillow but I just couldn’t get comfortable enough. I turned over and sighed quietly. Chris had a hand thrown over his forehead and the other one rested on his chest. He breathed evenly and deeply as he slept.

            I propped my chin up and wondered what he was dreaming about if he was dreaming at all. I wished I could fall asleep and dream about him.

            Frustrated, I got up and walked over to the window. I cracked open the curtains and looked down at the city street below. We were so high up; I thought the usual noise wouldn’t be as loud. But I was wrong. I rested my forehead on the glass and watched cars driving by while people crossed by on the sidewalk. I couldn’t fathom what they were doing at three in the morning, aside from working a night shift. I yawned and closed my eyes for a moment, hoping I would just fall asleep where I stood.

            “Molls…”

            I opened my eyes and found Chris was sitting up. “Did I wake you up?” I whispered.

            “No, it’s fine.” He rubbed his eyes. “Did you just wake up?” He asked.

            “I haven’t gotten to sleep yet,” I admitted and pushed the curtains close again. I walked over to the bed and lay back down beside him.

            “Seriously?” He asked when he glanced at the clock. “Are you in pain?”          

            I shook my head and nestled into the crook of his arm. “It’s too loud here,” I mumbled like a child.

            I felt him laugh softly. “Sorry, maybe we can see if they have a white noise machine in the lobby.” He offered.

            “No, that’s fine. I don’t want to be high maintenance.”

            “You’re the furthest from being high maintenance, but okay.” He rubbed my arm. “I’ll stay up with you.”

            “No, don’t.” I shook my head. “You need to sleep, I’ll be okay.”

            “Molls, I told you if you ever needed me to stay up with you, I would.” He murmured and trailed his fingers down my back.

            I sighed. “You’re not going to listen to me, are you?”

            “Well…”

            “Alright.”

            I rested my cheek on his chest and closed my eyes for a moment. I hoped that if I were quiet he would just fall back asleep.

            “Do you want to talk about anything?” He murmured into the pitch-black room.

            “Nothing that can’t wait until the morning,” I replied.

            “You’re just waiting for me to fall asleep again, aren’t you?”

            I opened my eyes and glanced up at him. “…No.”

            He gave me a look. “Alright, well, I want to talk about things you liked to do when you were a kid.”

            “Okay…” I shrugged. There was no possibility that he was going to fall asleep until I did. So maybe talking would lull me to sleep. “You mean, before high school?”

            “Yeah, anytime before you were a teenager.” He smiled slightly and started to play with my hair idly.

            “Well,” I bit my lip and tried to think. I usually didn’t like thinking about my childhood. It only reminded me of a time when everything in my life was complete and perfect. My father was still around, my parents were married, and I wasn’t sick. But being next to Chris made me feel a little more comfortable. “Besides gardening with my mom, I always loved horses and other animals. I wasn’t totally a girly girl but I loved dancing and singing around the house.” I blushed.

            “Why’d you stop? I’d love to see you singing and dancing around my apartment.” Chris murmured and tickled my sides.

            I giggled and batted his hands away. “Because I don’t have a good voice, and my body is not like it used to be.”

            “What if I sang and dance with you?” He proposed.

            “Maybe…” I considered. “But only if I got to video it and post it.”

            “Alright, maybe we’ll negotiate some more when we get back to Boston.”

            I laughed and cuddled up closer to him. We were completely tangled in with each other and I could feel his warmth. “When I was five, my mom signed me up for ballet classes but I hated them because I couldn’t just do what I wanted. I had to listen to the teacher and do what all the other girls were doing. It was ridiculous. I had more fun dancing around and making up my own moves.”

            “I think we would’ve gotten along as kids.” He decided. “My sister taught me how to tap dance.” He revealed.

            “Really?!”

            His face turned a little red. “Sometimes I still do it. My mom’s house has a floor in the basement for tap dancing. It’s a good anxiety reliever.”

            “Okay so I’ll dance around the place and you tap dance. It’ll be perfect.”

            He chuckled warmly and rubbed my arm. “I’m so lucky I spilled your coffee. I was looking for someone just like you and…” He yawned. “And I found you.”

            “Even though I’m broken?” I smiled sadly.

            “Everyone’s broken. But we’re all still alive.” He kissed my forehead.

            My heart felt a little lighter as it did every time when he assured me everything would be okay. “Everything that you do makes me forget about this stupid illness. You make every day so much better and easier.”

            “That’s my job now.” He murmured and kissed me softly. “Now try to rest, I’ll stay up until you fall asleep.”

            I nodded and closed my eyes, listening to his heartbeat. I could focus on him and ignore the angry sounds from outside the window.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: hospitals

            Once Chris was done with _Lobby Hero_ , we found our new normal. I spent every weekend with him, either at his apartment or mine. We went out to eat every Friday night, he made me breakfast every Saturday morning, and we made dinner together on Sunday nights.

            More pictures of us surfaced, and people were starting to ask Chris about our relationship. In a few interviews, he managed to skirt the questions. But more and more people asked. A few people recognized him when we went out. I could hear the whispers, but no one really approached us. I felt lucky that they left us alone.

            But I couldn’t worry about public attention. I was worried about something else and Chris was the first to notice it.

           

            “Are you feeling okay?” He asked one morning over Saturday breakfast.

            I was sitting in his apartment, petting Dodger. I bit my lip and shook my head. “Not really,” I admitted.

            “What’s wrong? Headache? Can I do anything for you?” He asked and reached for my hands.

            I winced and nodded. “It’s other stuff too. I made a doctor’s appointment.”

            Chris was looking at my hands. “Are your hands swollen?”

            “I don’t know…” I looked down and realized he was right.

            He reached over and touched my cheeks. “Your face looks swollen too.” Concern started to rise in his voice.

            “Maybe it’s…” I couldn’t think of a harmless explanation. I couldn’t think of any explanation. I stood up to get my phone. I felt my chest tighten and my vision blurred.

            “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Chris jumped up to grab me before I almost fell over. “C’mon, lie down. I’ll get you water.” He brought me over to the couch. “Try to breathe.”

            I put a hand on my chest and realized I couldn’t breathe right. “Chris…” I whimpered.

            “Yeah, I’m here.” He came back over. “Do you need me to get something for you? Would water help?”

            I shook my head. “Please call my doctor. She’s under my phone as Doctor Lina.”

            “Okay, okay, I can do that.” A level of panic seeped into his voice.

            I shut my eyes and tried my best to breathe as I listened to his conversation over the phone. A few moments later, he came back to me.

            “She wasn’t there, a nurse said I should bring you to the hospital,” Chris said. “Do you want me to call an ambulance? I could drive you too but if it’s an emergency…”

            “No, just…” I tried to sit up. “Grab my purse and we’ll take your car. You can just drop me off and come back so you can take care of Dodger.”

            Chris helped me up. “He can be by himself for a few hours. If I need to, I’ll have my neighbor let him out. I’m not going to just drop you off at the emergency room.” He said and grabbed my purse by the door. “Just please keep telling me how you’re doing.”

 

            After the drive to the hospital, I was admitted. I hated everything about hospitals. I hated the smell, the sounds, the lights, the frigid air, the beds, the chairs,

the machines, the wait, and the reason I was there. But it was the first time Chris was by my side, and he made it a little easier to handle. He made everything better.

           

            “Are your feet cold?” He asked quietly as he returned from the bathroom.

            “No, the nurse gave me a heated blanket,” I said and took his hand. “I’m okay,” I assured him. “I’m sure it’s something stupid. My body can be a little dramatic.”

            He smiled weakly. “Well, I hope it’s nothing.” He agreed.

            “You wouldn’t be mad at me for making you bring me to the emergency room?” I raised an eyebrow.

            “Why would I be mad? The nurse said to do it and you were about to fall over. That’s more than enough reason. I would feel lucky if it’s nothing. I’d rather bring you here a million times and have you be perfectly okay than just ignore something that could be serious.”

            I sighed. “I don’t want to come here a million times,” I grumbled.

            “I know…” He rubbed his thumb over the top of my hand for comfort. “Hopefully we’ll meet with the doctor soon.”

 

            It was a bit of waiting, a few blood tests, and finally, I got an answer. But it wasn’t harmless like we’d hoped. It was something I had been dreading ever since I learned about my diagnosis.

            “You’ve developed lupus nephritis.”

            “Is that different?” Chris asked.

            I nodded grimly. “Yes.”

            “What is it? What’s going on?”

            “It affects the kidneys directly. If left untreated it will cause kidney failure.” The doctor explained.

            “But it can be treated?” Chris asked.

            “Yes, and since we caught it early on, you should be fine, Molly. Once we get you on the medications it’ll help the inflammation. You’re going to have to be a little more conscious about your lifestyle; I’ll write what I would suggest. You should follow up with your doctor to make sure she agrees with the medication I’ll prescribe you. She knows your history a little better than I do.”

            I nodded. “Thanks,” I mumbled quietly.

            “Thank you.” Chris nodded as the doctor left to retrieve the paperwork. “Molls…” He touched my cheek. “It’s going to be okay. Whatever you need…”

            “I _need_ more medication, you heard him.” I snapped and pushed his hand away. “And I’m sure whatever they prescribe it’s going to have fucking horrible side effects and I’m going to just have to deal with them or change the medication a million times before they get it right.” I ranted. “And then none of them will work and my kidneys will just fail.”

            “Hey, don’t talk like that,” Chris said firmly. “They know what they’re doing, they’re going to help you.”

            “Like they’ve helped before?” I threw my hands up, pulling at the IV that was lodged in my arm. The little tube popped off, disconnecting me from the drip. “Fuck…” I sighed and reached for the tube.

            “I’ll grab the nurse.” He went to stand up.

            “No, it’s fine,” I muttered and reattached it. “I’ve done this a thousand times.” I huffed and laid back.

            “Molly, I can advocate for you,” Chris said gently. None of my anger seemed to bother him. I could guess he knew that I wasn’t really angry with him. I was angry at the situation. “If you’re too tired, too frustrated, in too much pain, I’ll handle it. Maybe that’s overstepping my boundaries but you don’t need to do this all by yourself.” He insisted. “I know you’re upset, I’m upset too. I’m upset that a beautiful, intelligent, and caring woman like you has to go through all of this. It’s not fair and if I could, I would heal you.”

            I swallowed the large lump in my throat. “I just…I’m so sick of it all.” I hiccupped.

            “I can’t imagine. I’d be sick of all of this too. But I’m going to do everything I can to alleviate this pain.” He whispered and took my hand in his. He gently kissed my knuckles. “But only if you’ll let me.”

            I sniffled and felt pathetic in that stupid hospital bed. “It’s too much…”

            “It’s not. It’s too much for you to handle on your own. If we carry this burden together, then it won’t be so heavy.” He smiled sadly.

            “But it’s not your responsibility.” I cried quietly. “I don’t understand, you could walk away from all of this.”

            “But I don’t want to because I love you. And you don’t abandon someone you love when they’re at their lowest point. You don’t abandon someone you love, period. I love you and I told you from the beginning, if I have to work a little harder I will.” He tried to embrace me as much as he could as I sat in the hospital bed.

            “I love you too.” I whimpered. “You give more than I do.”

            “You give me so much, you just don’t know it.” He murmured and kissed my cheek. “Maybe you’ll see one day.”


	12. Chapter 12

            I didn’t listen to the questions Chris asked my doctor. I’d been quiet for the past two days, ever since the ER doctor told me what was going on. I didn’t want to talk about my condition worsening. It was like I was reverting back to the scared teenager who learned her fate. Every bit of me wanted to just ignore the fact. It was easier to just ignore it. 

 

            “These are the medications I’m going to continue you on. I’ll write down instructions that will come with the prescription when you pick it up. You're still at the same pharmacy right?” Lina, my doctor of many years, asked. I nodded as she jot down a few things. “Call me in the next week or so, we can talk about any side effects you might have.”

            I nodded slightly. “Thanks.”

            “Of course.” She touched my knee. “Molly, you’re going to be perfectly fine. We caught it soon enough that we’ll be able to control it with medication. But you need to be diligent about it, you can’t miss doses.”

            “I know.”

            “And you have a great boyfriend who seems to be doing a great job of caring for you.” She smiled.

            I couldn’t help but smile weakly and looked up at Chris. He shrugged slightly. “She’s worth it.” He said gently.

            I didn’t think I was. But I wasn’t going to argue with him right then and there.

 

            He stood next to me as I received the medications from the pharmacy. Then, he drove me home. I stared at the orange pill bottles. I stuffed them into my bag and looked out the window with a sigh.

            “Want to just rest this afternoon?” Chris asked.

            I nodded. “Yeah.” I just wanted to fall asleep so I didn't have to deal with any of the medications, the pain, the statistics of my possible kidney failure. 

           

            I placed the pill bottles next to the bathroom sink so I would remember them. I stared at them with distaste and left the bathroom. I changed into leggings and walked out to the kitchen.

            “Need anything?” Chris asked. "Are you hungry, we didn't get lunch yet." 

            “No.” I shook my head and lay down on the couch. I tucked my knees up to my chest and swallowed. I just wanted to sink deeply into the couch cushions and disappear. 

            He walked over and sat down on the ottoman across from me. “You’ve been quiet the last few days.”

            “I’m just tired, I guess.”

            “Are you sure?”

            I looked over at him and felt a sudden wave of irritation and anger. It was obviously misplaced. “Chris, I’m not in the mood,” I mumbled.

            “I’m just trying to make sure you’re okay.” He rested his hands on his knees and leaned forward slightly. The same look of concern etched on his face.

            “I appreciate it, but I just don’t want to talk about it.”

            “Remember when you were saying you were in denial about your diagnosis? It seemed to have a negative impact on your life. I just don’t want this to have the same repercussions.”

            I rolled my eyes like a child. “You’re not my therapist, just lay off,” I muttered spitefully.

            “Molls, c’mon.” He sighed. “You know I’m just trying to help.”

            “Well, maybe I don’t need you to try to help!” I snapped and sat up. “Maybe you’re not a doctor so you can’t cure this! No one can cure this, so you need to just cut it out. Why don’t you just be a boyfriend?”

            “I’m being a boyfriend. I’m concerned about you so I’m telling you what I think. I can have my opinion.” His nerves seemed to be frayed just as mine were. After a night at the ER and then the doctor’s appointment, we were on edge. I was itching to get the anger out and he was an easy target.

            “You can’t have an opinion. You don’t have to live with this. You can pretend that we’re ‘in this together’ but we’re not. I’m on my own just like I’ve been my whole life.”

            “You don’t have to be on your own!” He replied sharply. “Molly, I’ve told you so many times that you’re too independent for your own good. Everyone needs someone to rely on. We all need support, you don’t need to be embarrassed.”

            “I’m not embarrassed about anything. Maybe I’m irritated that you think you’re some martyr for taking me to my doctor’s appointments!” I stood up and started to pace. "What a noble thing to do! You can drive me to my appointments and make it seem like you're the perfect boyfriend." 

            “When did I ever say that?” He demanded. “I told you I would support you any way I could, this isn’t about me. It’s always been about you!”

            “Me? I never wanted it to be about me. I never wanted to even tell you about my diagnosis but you kept pushing. You needed to know so you could be the _perfect_ boyfriend.”

            “Just calm down, you’re trying to make an argument out of nothing. You’re tired and…”

            “Don’t tell me what I’m feeling!” I screamed at him. “Don’t tell me what’s wrong with me! Don’t tell me that everything’s going to be okay! You’re just like everyone else!”

            My sudden explosion took Chris by surprise. He stood up and took a step towards me but hesitated. He sighed and shook his head. “You want to be alone, that’s fine. I have to go do some promotion work in LA.” He mumbled.

            “Good, I don’t need you,” I whispered and hugged myself tightly. I didn’t look at him.

            “Yeah, I guess you’ve made that clear.” He grabbed his keys and started to walk through the door. He stopped for a moment. “But if you do, you know how to get in touch with me. I told you I loved you and that hasn’t changed.”

            “You’re just like everyone else, you’ll leave within the year,” I said and walked down the hall to my bedroom. I heard the front door closing with a tone of finality.


	13. Chapter 13

            It seemed like my grief had taken on a life of its own. It turned into a small pocket of pain in my chest. I thought it was ironic that it was above my heart. But people said heartbreaks could cause physical pain. I guess I was just too focused on my diagnosis to believe that such a thing could cause my body more distressed.

            Nearly a week after Chris had left my apartment, I was still at a low point. I only left the house to work. When I returned home, I got into pajamas and either camped out on the couch or went straight to bed.

            Nausea I felt made me lose my appetite completely. But I wasn’t sure what the source of the stomachaches was. It couldn’t have been from Chris leaving, that wasn’t possible. Maybe it was psychosomatic.

            I knew he wasn’t in Boston. I’d seen an interview he’d done in New York. Knowing he was far away made me feel worse but I wasn’t sure why. I was mostly perplexed by my emotions. I tried not to ruminate on them so I was mostly lost in a haze of anxiety and confusion as I stared up at the ceiling.

            He texted me every day, though, just like before. He was acting almost as if everything was normal. I wondered if maybe he was just checking in to see if I was still alive. Every morning was the same. He sent me a text asking how I slept and how I felt. I gave the same reply every day even though it was an outright lie.

 

_“I’m fine.”_

 

            I wasn’t sure when I hit rock bottom. But it was somewhere around the two week mark. I called sick to work. There was no way I was getting out of bed. I hadn’t taken my medication in three days and it was taking its toll. I could barely sit up from feeling so dizzy.

            It had also been the third day in a row that I hadn’t responded to Chris.

             

             _How are you? Did you sleep all right?_

_Molls?_

_Molly, are you okay?_

_You’re making me worried, please call me._

_I’m coming over._

 

            So it was inevitable that there was a knock on the door later that day. I threw the covers over my face and tried to ignore him. I didn’t want to get into another argument. I didn’t want him to feel sorry for me and I damn well didn’t want him to help me.

            But he didn’t leave.

            “Molly, I know where you keep your spare key, I’m coming in.”  Chris called and promptly let himself into my apartment.

            I groaned and tried to hide further under my blankets. I heard him open my bedroom door and Dodger rushed in. He sniffed me out and burrowed his face under the sheets. He scrambled to reach me and kiss my cheek.

            “Alright, alright,” I mumbled and sat up. I knew I looked like shit but didn’t care at that point. Maybe it would drive Chris away.

            “Molly…”

            “Don’t lecture me.” I couldn’t even look at him. I felt so guilty that I wasn’t taking care of myself. It wasn’t for my sake but for his. If he had just stayed away he wouldn’t have to see me like this. But I knew it was in his personality to keep pushing. He was too good to turn me away.

            “Why?”

            “Why what?”

            “Why are you doing this to yourself?” He demanded and walked over to the bed.

            “It’s none of your concern…”

            “Don’t give me that shit.” His voice was shaking with anger. “Do you know how nervous I was? I drove from Manhattan because I hadn’t heard from you. I was so afraid you were in the hospital or dead in your apartment!” I could tell he wasn’t in the mood to coddle my feelings. He deserved to be angry. I wanted him to be angry with me.

            But I still started to cry. It was mostly from the build of emotions and the exhaustion I felt. “If I couldn’t m-make it work with y-you then I c-can’t make it work wit-with anyone.” I sobbed and put my head in my hands. “You’re the per-perfect guy.”

            He sighed deeply and sat down on the edge of my bed. Dodger jumped up to try and comfort me as well. “It’s not about being in a relationship, Molly, you need to love yourself.”

            “Yeah, I love the girl who has a fucking dysfunctional body and was a total bitch to the man she loves.”

            “Well, that’s your problem. If you don’t love yourself then nothing in your life is going to get better. And if you can’t do it for yourself then do it for me. This tears me up inside to see you like this.” He wrapped his fingers around my wrists to pull my hands away from my face.

            “I don’t want to hurt you anymore,” I whispered tearfully as I finally looked into his eyes.

            “I don’t want you to hurt yourself anymore.” He replied and kissed my forehead. “So let me help you out of this.”

            “Chris…”

            “I won’t be overbearing, you just need a little boost to get you up and out of this hole.”

            I sighed and nodded. “I need to take my medication and probably eat.” I started.

            “Okay, I’ll do that. What do you want to eat?”

            My stomach turned at the idea of food. “Something bland. I’ve been nauseous for a while.”

            “Okay, I’ll find something.” He agreed. “Let me start the shower too, are you dizzy?”

            “A little.”

            “Then maybe wait. I’ll sit in the bathroom so you don’t fall.”

            I nodded quietly. “I want to shower first,” I said and started to stand up.

            “We can do that.” He just seemed glad I was listening. He reached out to help me steady myself. I walked into the bathroom and grabbed a fresh towel.

            Chris started the shower and sat on the edge of the tub. He clasped his hands together and leaned against his thighs.

            I waited for the water to warm up and tugged off my shirt and sleep bottoms. I didn’t want to see Chris’s expression. I knew I’d lost a lot of weight and I knew I looked even sicker. But I didn’t want to think about how I looked.

            I stepped into the shower and started to wash my hair. Chris was silent the entire time. I couldn’t even imagine what he was thinking but I prayed he wasn’t blaming himself for what I did to myself.

 

            “So…the Lupus Awareness Walk is in October,” Chris said as I sat down to eat the pasta he’d made me.

            “In Boston? Yeah, I went to one a few years ago.” I remembered. “My mom and I walked it.”

            “Would you want to go?” He wondered and leaned over the kitchen counter.

            “You would go?”

            “Of course.”

            I bit my lip and felt more tears coming on. “Alright…but don’t feel like you have to because…”

            “I think we’re past that, Molly.” He assured me. “I’m doing it because I’ve seen how it affects you.”

            I nodded and let him wipe my tears off my cheeks. “I love you,” I whispered. “I’m sorry.”

            “Don’t apologize.” He murmured softly. “And don’t think that I ever stopped loving you too.”


	14. Chapter 14

            The crisp October air was a blessing. It had been such a long and hot summer that I couldn’t wait to wear sweaters and leggings again.

            Chris pulled on the purple shirt and smiled. “Look alright?” He did a full circle to show me the shirt that advertised we were walking for my company who donated to the cause every year.

            I smiled warmly and smoothed the fold marks down on his shoulders. “Looks good. Doesn’t it Dodger?” The dog wagged his tail and tried to jump up on Chris.

            “So,” He grabbed his foot to start stretching. “I’m going to run this pretty fast. When I finish, do you want me to run back to you and walk it with you?”

            I raised an eyebrow. “Oh really? Are you going to run this? So it’ll take you like, what, four minutes?”

            “Four and a half…probably. I ate a big breakfast.” He teased.

            “Well, I don’t want to slow you down so I guess we could meet at the finish line when you run it a few times.”

            He laughed and wrapped an arm around my waist. “We can go as slow as you want.”

            “And you’ll carry me if I get tired.”

            “I’ll carry you the whole time if you want.”

            I giggled and started to walk to the starting line. “So, I’m betting on how many people want your autograph.”

            “Oh?”

            “I don’t know how many people are here but I’m guessing like fifty.”

            “Well, I put something out on social media.”

            “Telling people you were here? Okay, then that number just bumped up to a hundred.”

            “Sort of. I told people I’d be here but to give us space.” He explained and kept me close as we walked.

            “Oh, okay. Any reason in particular?” I wondered and glanced up at him.

            “Because this day isn’t about me. It’s about you and other people fighting Lupus.”

            I smiled and got on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek. “I love you.” I reminded him.

            Things had gotten better in our relationship since the brief split. I was taking better care of myself and significantly happier. I didn’t want to end up in that dark place again so I worked even harder on our relationship and myself. I loved Chris more than anything and didn’t want to lose him again.

           

            “Also, to boost some support I invited a few friends. I thought it was time for you to meet them and they wanted to get to know you.”

            “Okay.” I smiled.

            “There they are!” I heard a voice call us over.

            I was a little taken aback to see most of the cast of Civil War standing there waiting for us all in the same t-shirts.

            “We’re twinning, Evans!” Sebastian grinned.

            “I’m not sure I have to introduce these dorks but this is Sebastian, Anthony, Hayley, Chadwick, Elizabeth, and Jeremy.”

            I tried to regain my composure and cleared my throat. “Wow uh…hi. I’m Molly.”

            “Yeah, don’t worry, we’ve heard a lot about you.” Anthony chuckled. “This kid can’t shut up about you.”

            Chris’s face went a little red. “Alright, alright.”

            I smiled and felt a little shy around them. “Well, thank you all so much for coming. This means a lot to me and I’m sure a lot of other people too.”

            “We wouldn’t miss it. Chris really cares about you and we do too.” Hayley smiled warmly. “No one should have to go through something like this.”

            “We’ve all got your back.” Chadwick nodded.

            “I think they’re starting, we should head over,” Elizabeth said and the group walked away chatting.

            I looked up at Chris with tears in my eyes.

            “Too much?” He asked.

            I shook my head and wrapped my arms around his neck to kiss him deeply.

 

            I felt stronger when I walked beside him, his hand in mine. He was right that I just needed a little boost to get myself out of the depression I was in before. And he was right that I needed to care about myself for things to start to get better. But it was always nice to have someone to remind me that I was worth the effort.

            After the mile walk, we regrouped with the Marvel actors in the Commons.

            “Evans, I’m disappointed in you. You didn’t finish this in two seconds?” Anthony tsked. “Unacceptable.”  

            Chris chuckled and handed me water. “It’s about the journey, Mackie.”

            “And he’s gone soft.” Sebastian joined in on the teasing.

            I sat down on the grass with them and leaned against Chris’s shoulder. “He never lets me forget how much taller and stronger he is.”

            “Well, I can reach things on the shelves, and open jars.”

            “So he’s your little kitchen helper. That’s cute.” Hayley cooed.

            “Except for that time, he nearly burned the cookies we made.”

            “I didn’t hear the timer I was a little busy with something else.” Chris reminded me.

            “Mhm.”

            “So…when’s the wedding?” Jeremy asked.

            “Oh boy, just like that.”

            I blushed and shook my head. “We haven’t even been dating for a year.”

            “Well, just let me know. I do really good hair and makeup.” He replied.

            “That’s true. And you’d probably only have to pay him with cake or maybe naming your firstborn after him.” Elizabeth shrugged.

            I swallowed at the mention of kids. “Yeah, maybe.” I forced a laugh.

            Chris quickly steered the conversation in a different direction like he could read my mind. But I retreated to my thoughts.

            I could see myself marrying Chris no problem. I was starting to stray away from the mistrust I had for marriage. But kids were another story. I’d read up on having kids when I was first diagnosed. It was perfectly possible to have children but it would most likely be a harder pregnancy than normal ones. Then I was diagnosed with nephritis. The outlook was grim with the threats of premature births, preeclampsia, development problems, and death for the baby or me. I wouldn’t risk it. Chris wouldn’t risk it. His dreams of having a big family was fatally crushed. But he constantly reminded me that there were other ways. But I couldn’t shake the guilt.

            I wanted to cry when I thought about a baby with his eyes. I just wanted things to be normal.


	15. Chapter 15

 

            I heard Chris humming when I woke up. The bedroom was still dark but a light was filtering in from under the bathroom door. I wasn’t sure what time it was. Chris had heavy curtains to block out any sort of light from outside. I rolled over and saw Dodger was still asleep at the foot of the bed, so it couldn’t have been that late in the morning because he usually didn’t sleep in.

            I blinked a few times and reached for my phone. There was an automatic text reminder from my pharmacy, telling me to pick up my medication. I sighed and ran a hand over my face. It was only eight in the morning on a Saturday. But that usually meant that Chris had already gone for a run and was back.

            On cue, he walked out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist. He ruffled his hair sending wet drops everywhere. He was nearly silent as he walked across the room and got some clothes. His movements were practiced just like every morning to avoid waking me up.

            I rolled over to watch him. The light from the bathroom focused on his back as he went through his clothes. He was bulking up again for filming. I couldn’t tell which look I liked better on him. He always scientifically built for human attraction. His beard was filling out and I had a feeling I’d live it up as long as I could.

            My thoughts were interrupted when he let the towel drop to step into a pair of boxers. I let out a soft groan.

            Chris chuckled and glanced over his shoulder. “I thought I felt someone watching me. I thought it was Dodger though.”

            I pulled the sheets up to my chin and bit my lip. “I’m upset that I miss this every morning.”

            “Well you know,” He walked over to the bed. “You don’t have to miss it if you didn’t sleep in.” He put two hands on the bed beside either side of my head. He bent his elbows as if he were doing a push up over me.

            His arms flexed and I had to make sure I wasn’t drooling. “Sleeping in or watching you get dressed…”

            “Tough choice, I know.” He rested on his elbows to nuzzle my neck.

            I squirmed slightly when I felt his beard scratch over my skin. “Chris…” I giggled.

            “I love you.” He whispered and peppered kisses up my jaw.

            Things had been going as good as they could possibly be. Chris and I had met each other’s families and friends, we were practically living together, and when we planned for the future, we planned with each other.

            Of course, even if things were going great, my brain tried to sabotage my happiness.

            Dodger got up from his spot on the bed and stretched before trying to wedge himself between Chris and I. We laughed softly. “Oh, that’s right.” Chris tousled Dodger’s ears. “Mom and dad can’t have any alone time.”

            I felt a piece of ice stab through my heart. My smile faded and my eyes glazed over.

            But Chris didn’t seem to notice. He got up and went back to the dresser. “What do you want to do today? We could go see that movie you wanted to check out, try to get out of this fucking heat.”

            My mind was too fixated on the words to make an intelligent response. “Yeah.”

            “Okay.” He tugged a shirt over his head. “Scott is in town, I was going to grab a coffee with him. Wanted to tag along?”

            “I uh…” I sat up and tried to get out of my own head. “Yeah, that sounds good.” I looked at Dodger who rested his chin on my knee. Suddenly, everything seemed to hit me at once. I was in a committed relationship with a man who would give up anything for me. He wanted to marry me. He wanted to start a family with me even if I couldn’t have children. He wanted to grow old with me.

            But I was so irreversibly damaged.

            I didn’t know how he couldn’t see that.

 

            After seeing Chris’s brother, and trying to keep my composure, we returned to his apartment. I was standing in the kitchen, my hands on the counter, and my eyes closed. I tried to breathe deeply and remind myself that everything was okay and I was happy.

            Out of nowhere, Chris wrapped his arms around my waist. I jumped and my knuckles tightened on the counter. “Jesus, Chris, don’t sneak up on me.”

            He chuckled and pressed against me. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were in Molly World.”

            I swallowed and smiled weakly. “What’s up?” I let go of the counter and rested my hands over his.

            “Call me desperate, but I need you.” He murmured. “I’ve wanted you since this morning but I was trying to be polite.”

            “My polite Boston boy.” I giggled and turned around to face him.

            He hooked his hands under my knees and lifted me up onto the counter effortlessly. He brushed his fingertips over my cheeks and looked into my eyes. “I can never get over how beautiful you are.” He breathed. “You make my heart ache sometimes.”

            “Well…I’m yours.” But my voice came out like I was choking on the words.

            It was his first indication that anything was wrong. I was usually pretty damn good at hiding all of my feelings. His eyes met mine. “Something wrong?” He asked gently. The lust in his voice faded.

            I had a hard time lying to him. The one thing I could give him was my honesty. “I-I just…” I tried to breathe “I’m afraid of all of this.”

            “All of what?”

            “This. Us. Being together. Something in my mind tells me to run as fast as I can.” I did my best to put my feelings into words but I was sure I wasn’t making any sense.

            “Do I not make you happy?” His face fell like a wounded puppy.

            “No, that’s the problem. You make me so happy.” I swallowed my tears. “You make me so happy and I feel like I don’t deserve that you deserve something better…”

            “Sh, you know that’s not true.” Chris kept me close.

            “I keep trying to tell myself that but…”

            “Please don’t push me away again, Molly, I can’t handle it.” He begged quietly. "Last time was too much." 

            “I’m not pushing you away. I never want you to leave. I would never leave. I don’t know why I feel like this and I just…” I burst into tears. I felt so confused and pathetic, it was like my anxiety was actively trying to ruin my life.

            He wrapped his arms around me so I was resting against his shoulder. “I know what that feels like.” He admitted and rubbed my back. “Remember when we were in Central Park and saw that wedding?”

            “Yeah.”

            “It was one of the first times I realized I wanted to marry you. And that made me so scared because I thought I’d disappoint you in the long run. It was my anxiety telling me I wasn’t good enough. But Molly, we know we’re good for each other. If we weren’t then we wouldn’t have lasted this long.”

            “I know.” I sobbed against his shoulder.

            “I want to stay with you.”

            “I want to stay with you too.”

            “Then let’s stay together.”

            “Okay.” I couldn’t seem to stop crying.

            He chuckled and touched my cheek so I would look at him. “Baby, please, it’s going to be okay.”

            “I know it is.” I wiped my eyes. “I don’t know why I’m crying. I’m totally ruining the mood and I really want to have sex with you.”

            He laughed. “Alright, well let’s compose ourselves. We can have sex tonight, it’ll be special.” He promised.

            “I love you.” I hiccupped.

            He swiped a few more tears off my cheeks. “I love you too, Molls. Don’t ever doubt that.”


	16. Chapter 16

 

            “Molly…”

            “What?”

            “What are you doing?”

            It was late, maybe one in the morning when I was up and walking around Chris’s room.

            “I’m looking for another blanket,” I replied. “Go back to sleep.”

            Chris sat up and blinked a few times. He reached over and found my nest of blankets. “You’re cold? Molls, you’ve piled like five blankets on here.”

            “I know…I’m just…my hands are cold.” I rummaged through his closet and found one of his sweatshirts. I put it on over my sweater and returned to bed. I stuffed my hands into the long sleeves and cocooned myself under the blankets.

            “Why are you cold? It’s like seventy-five degrees in here.” He replied.

            I looked over and realized he was in a t-shirt, boxers, and had just the sheets over him. “It’s not.” I shook my head. “It’s cold.”

            Chris turned on the lamp on his side of the bed. “Let me see your face.”

            “Why?” I pushed the blankets down a bit so he could take my face in his hands.

            “You’re swelling again.” He found my hands under the nest and examined them.

            I didn’t want to see what he was seeing. “It’s probably nothing.”

            “Molly, we should go to the hospital.” He swung his legs over to the side of the bed and found his phone.

            “I’m not going to the hospital,” I replied and buried myself back under the covers. My eyes poked out and watched as he stood up.

            “It could be your kidneys, that’s serious.” He replied and began to go into the drawer I had established in his apartment. “I’ll bring your fleece leggings to keep you warm.” He said and pulled out an outfit for me.

            “Chris, I’m not going anywhere, come back to bed.”

            “These are the same symptoms from before.” He reminded him calmly. “We need to make sure the medication is working. If it’s not then they need to change things.”

            “I’ll call my doctor in the morning,” I said stubbornly.

            “I’m not arguing with you about this.”

            “Then come back to bed.”

            “No.” He started to get dressed. “What else do you want me to pack you?” He found my purse.

            I mentally cursed his compassion. “Christopher Evans, I’ll cry,” I warned.

            “You can cry all you want, we’re going to the hospital.”

            I pouted and tried to think of more ways to get him to drop the idea of the emergency room. “Please.”

            “We’re not negotiating.” He continued walking around the room, gathering everything I needed. Dodger and I watched him.

            “The last time we went we ended up fighting, I don’t want that to happen.” I begged.”

            “We won’t fight, this is for your own safety and health.” His voice was firm and I didn’t see any way around it.

            “I’m scared,” I whispered.

            He sighed deeply and walked over to the bed. “I am too. I’m sure they’ll adjust your medication and we’ll go home in a few hours.” He murmured as he peeled back the blankets. He scooped me up in his arms and hugged me close.

            I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my face into his shoulder. “Tell me it’ll be okay.”

            “It’ll be okay.”

 

            But it kept getting worse. After three trips to the doctors and two to the emergency room, the final straw was when I fainted in the middle of the sidewalk. They hospitalized me to examine me over a few days to find out exactly what was wrong. I was sick of the hospital and just wanted to leave. But I was growing more concerned that there really was something wrong.

           

            “Chris…go home,” I mumbled when I woke up and saw my boyfriend was still sitting by me.

            He looked up from his book. “I’m staying tonight.” He replied and rested a hand on my arm.

            “No, Chris, just please go home. You don’t need to stay here. I don’t want to stay here.”

            “Well, I don’t want you to stay here either but the doctors are concerned. Don’t worry about me.”

            I gave him a look and he mimicked it. I sighed and closed my eyes. “I’m not sure why I love you so much.”

            He chuckled softly. “I’m sorry, I’m being a little pushy about this. I’m just worried about you.”

            I took a deep breath and listened to the machines I was hooked up to. “Steve Rogers in the flesh,” I mumbled.

            “I love you.” He lifted my hand to kiss my knuckles. “We’re going to get through this.”

            “I love you too.” I opened my eyes and tried to smile. “Can you go ask if I can take a walk?”

            “Of course.” He stood up and set his book down on the chair. He kissed my forehead lovingly.

            I swallowed and reached for my phone that was resting on the tray over the bed. My mother was texting me.

           

            _Mom: I’m going to come and drive up to see you tomorrow._

_Molly: Okay_

_Mom: How is Chris taking the news?_

_Molly: I haven’t told him yet_

_Mom: Sweetheart, you need to tell him what’s going on I’m sure he’s worried about you._

_Molly: He is, and that’s why he doesn’t need to know yet._

“Want to go get a snack or something?” Chris asked as he walked back into the room.

            I put my phone face down on the tray. “Sure.” I nodded and took the blood pressure gauge off my arm.

            “You just have to take the IV drip with you, the nurse wants to make sure you have enough fluids.” He said. “I’ll grab it for you.” He helped me stand up and rolled the IV drip out alongside me.

            “Now we can go on a long romantic walk through the hospital hallways.” I teased as we left the room.

            “Soon we’ll go somewhere warm and walk on the beach.” He promised. “Once you’re healthy again.”

            I walked slowly with him, making sure the IV tube didn’t pull out. “What if I don’t get better?” I asked quietly.

            I felt his eyes on me but I didn’t meet his gaze. I couldn’t look him in the eyes. “Molly, is there something you’re not telling me?” He knew me well enough to see right through me.

            My chest tightened and I started to feel a little dizzy. I wasn’t sure if it was from my kidney or from the sudden realization that I had to tell him the truth. “I need to go sit again,” I whispered.

            “Okay.” He didn’t argue with me and held my arm to make sure I didn’t fall over if I did faint. We walked back to the room and he helped me sit. “Just be honest with me.” He knelt down in front of me, his eyes trying to find meet mine again.

            I felt tears begin to form as I swallowed. “I just want you to be happy…” I hiccupped.

            “I am happy.” He seemed confused. “I’m happy with you, Molly, you know that.” He rested a hand on my knee and lifted the other one to touch my cheek. His thumb wiped away any tears that started to roll down. "Please just tell me. I promise it's going to be okay." 

  It wasn't going to be okay.


	17. Chapter 17

 

            “My kidney’s failing,” I revealed without any warning.

            “What so…they’re putting you on different medication?”

            “No, they put me on the waiting list for a donor. I need a transplant...or I won't live much longer.” I finally forced myself to look at him.

            He appeared lost. It was like everything I warned him about hadn’t really been a possibility in his mind. Maybe he had just assumed everything would work out. I knew I hadn’t been as positive as he was. But he gave me some hope. Now that seemed lost now that our worst fears were coming true.

            “So you need a transplant.” He said slowly. “Can’t I just donate?” He asked hopefully. “We can get it over with right away, you won’t have to wait. I don't care what I have to go through or whatever.”

            I shook my head. “Even if we were the same blood type, the doctor said it should be from another female. I guess if it’s from the opposite gender it's more likely to be rejected. They don't want to risk that.”

            I could see the anxiety forming on his face. He stood up and ran a hand through his hair. “Well…is there anyone in your family who’s a match? I could ask my sisters, they might have the same blood type.”

            “Chris, you can’t just go around asking people to donate a kidney for your girlfriend.” I shifted over to look at him. “It’s going to be okay. We just need to wait...it will take some time but...”

            He turned and I realized how close to tears he was. “What if you don’t have time before they get a donor? Baby, I can’t lose you.” His whole body tensed up in fear at the idea of burying me.

            “Y-you’re not going to.” I stammered tearfully. But I was terrified. I was terrified of dying. I was scared of leaving Chris behind. I was afraid of all the damage I could cause him if I did die.

            He sat down beside me on the bed. “I’m sorry, I’m making things worse. You're right, I won't lose you.” He enveloped me in his arms.

            I felt safer there. “It’s reality.” I pressed my cheek into his chest and closed my eyes. “We’re going to have to face it sooner or later.”

            “We’ll find someone. It’ll be okay, it’ll be okay.” He whispered over and over again as he rubbed my shoulder, letting me cry in his arms.

 

            _What is going on with Chris Evans and his Girlfriend?_

_Chris Evans About to Have a Baby?_

_Chris Evans Spotted at Mass General Hospital Several Days in a Row_

            I woke up to hear Chris standing up and walking. I kept my eyes closed though, I was still tired and hoped I could fall back asleep. But I listened in as I heard him greet someone by the door.

            “Hi, Mom.” He said quietly.

            “Hi, sweetheart.”

            I’d only met Lisa once before but Chris was close to her and he needed the support now more than ever.

            “How is she?”

            “She’s asleep now. They gave her some painkillers to help her relax. She's been in a lot of pain the last few hours...mostly with breathing and her back pain.” Every word was like a dagger in the air. I didn’t want to eavesdrop but I could hear the exhaustion and distress in his voice. I was the reason for all of his anxiety. Maybe I was punishing myself by listening to his grief.

            “Ma…I don’t know what to do.” He said desperately. “Carly and Shanna aren’t a match…no one in her family is a match.” I hadn’t known Chris talked to his sisters about donating. He probably kept it from me because I told him not to. I couldn’t blame him though. He was only doing what he thought was right.

            “Chris, you need to let the doctors figure this out. They’ll find a donor for her, I know they will. I know you try to fix everything but you can’t fix this.”

            He took a shaky breath. “I can’t lose her.” His voice broke. "Everything she's going through, she doesn't deserve to endure it. She's in so much pain and I can't do anything about it."

            “You're doing the best you can by being here for her and supporting her. That's all she needs from you. You're not a doctor." She soothed just as a mother should comfort their child. "You won’t lose, it’ll be okay. They'll be able to take care of her and make sure she recovers.”

            I tried my best to block out the rest of their conversation. It was too painful. I was causing more damage to Chris than Lupus was inflicting on me.

 

            I woke up a few hours later with a start. It felt like someone was constricting my throat. I opened my eyes half expecting someone to be choking me. But only Chris was in the room, sitting in his usual spot by the bed.

            I panicked and startled him.

            “Molly, what’s wrong?”

            I realized I could breathe but pain my chest was making it very difficult even with oxygen tubes in my nose. Overwhelmed, exhausted, and sick of the hospital I burst out into tears. “It hurts.” I cried. "Chris, it hurts so much. I can't take it anymore, I don't want to be here anymore, I just want it to go away." I sobbed. I just wanted to rip out the IVs, the monitors, and all my nerve endings so I would be numb. But I couldn't do anything but cry like a scared child. 

            “Sh, baby, I know.” He stood up to hug me close. “Just try to relax.” His voice trembled as he held me. “I’m here…I’m not going anywhere.”


	18. Chapter 18

            The sun was filtering into the hospital room, making it just a few degrees warmer than it usually was. I basked in the warmth, curled up close to Chris who was half resting on the bed with me. He couldn’t completely fit though because he was still sporting his Captain America body.

            “Any good news?” I looked over his shoulder as I saw him scrolling through some news articles.

            “There was a baby tiger born at the zoo. Other than that it’s pretty rough out there.”

            “Hm…sometimes it’s good to be away from it.”

            He set his phone down for a minute and kissed my temple. “How are you feeling?”

            “Pretty much the same,” I admitted. There was no use in lying to him about my pain. I was already in the hospital long-term; there wasn’t much else he could do.

            He sighed. “It’s going to be okay.” He promised.

            That was all he really could say to me. I was sure he was worried just like everyone else was. But he didn’t want to show it. If anything, he was just trying to convince himself that it _would_ be okay. I wasn’t ready to die. But if I was going to, I wanted to know he would be all right.

            “Chris…we should talk about worst case scenario, just in case,” I said quietly.

            His face twitched a little bit as he shook his head. “Worst case scenario we just get you out of here later than we would like. You’re going to get a donor and the surgery will go perfectly.”

            I swallowed and looked down at my hands. “And what if it doesn’t? There’s no guarantee…”

            “You’re in the best care here. The doctors are experienced and will make sure you’re okay.” His level of denial was even worse than mine was.

            “I know but there’s always that chance.” I reminded him. “Just like any surgery, even if we do find a donor.”

            “Molly, I don’t really want to talk about that.” He mumbled and rubbed small circles over my hand with his thumb. He usually did it to comfort me but this time, I realized it was to comfort him.

            “We need to.” I urged quietly. “Because if something happens I don’t want you to be unprepared. I’ve already talked to my mom about it and I think we should talk to your family about it too. They’re involved now so they need to be in the know too.”

            Chris pursed his lips. I was afraid that if I kept pushing I would just drive him away. But I also knew it was important. The last thing I wanted was to leave him in such a state that he couldn’t move on. “I just don’t think it’s necessary when everything is going to work out.”

            “I believe that it will too,” I said even though I had doubts. “But there needs to be a plan for both cases.”

            He took a deep breath. “Okay, but it’s never going to happen.”

            I took that as the go-ahead to keep talking. “I discussed some things with my mom about funeral arrangements. You don’t have to worry about anything. I said I wanted my ashes spread in the ocean, so if you wanted to do that.”

            He continued taking slow breaths. “Okay.”

            “I just want you to be happy, no matter what happens. So…if I don’t make it for whatever reason in the future, I want you to be able to move on. I would love if you fell in love again.”

            He shook his head. “Stop, I can’t do this.” He whispered with tears in his eyes. “Molly, please.”

            “Okay…okay, I’m sorry.” I didn’t want to hurt him further so I backed off. I swallowed and rested my cheek on his shoulder. “Just know that I’ll always love you.”

            He closed his eyes for a moment as he regrouped. “I’m sorry I can’t talk about it.” He replied shakily. “I know you want to help but I can’t even think about that possibility right now.”

            “I’m sorry. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. And I feel like…if something happened and you didn’t see it coming, that would be hurting you in the worst possible way.”

            “It wouldn’t be your fault.” He opened his eyes and kissed my hair. “None of this is your fault. My feelings about it are about the situation, not you.”

            “I’m the reason you’re in this situation though.” I pointed out. “My condition…”

            “It’s not like you purposefully had this happen. I fell in love with you but I’d never take that back.”

            “I wouldn’t either.” I agreed and cuddled close to him. “I wouldn’t either.”

 

            I was finally allowed to go out and get some fresh air in the hospital courtyard. It was unseasonably warm and I just wanted to get out of the hospital for a short while. Even if that meant I had to be in a wheelchair. I sulked about it a little, I was confident that I could make the journey down but Chris always followed the doctor’s orders.

            As we walked down the hallways, I kept looking back up at him and making faces.

            He smiled and shook his head. “You’re not walking, I promised I would make sure you were safe.”

            “Goody-two-shoes.” I pouted but smiled slightly.

            I sighed softly when I felt the outside air for the first time in nearly a week. Since it was just March, there were barely any flowers growing yet. But it was just nice to be outside. Chris and I could walk to the Public Gardens once spring was in full swing again. Of course, that really depended on my health.

            Chris stopped by a bench and helped me stand up so I could sit back down again. “Feel good to be out?”

            “Yes.” I smiled. “Maybe next time we can go get something to eat or coffee down the street. I’d even go in the stupid wheelchair if it meant getting out of that room.”

            He chuckled. “I know it sucks. But it’s going to take time. We have a lot to look forward to.”

            “Warm weather.”

            “Mhm, flowers.”

            I nodded. “I can’t wait to see Dodger again.”

            “He misses you a lot.”

            “Spring Training.”

            “Oh yeah, we’re definitely going to a Sox game once you’re better.”

            “And Patriots games.”

            He grinned and took my hand. “Our wedding.”

            I raised an eyebrow. “Our wedding? When did I agree to marry you? I don’t remember that.” I teased.

            “Well, I might be doing it out of order.” He got off the bench and down onto one knee in front of me.

            “Chris…”

            He reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring. “Molly, I really don’t care what the future might hold for us. I just want to spend the rest of our time together. I don’t want to miss the opportunity of making you mine. I don’t want to have any regrets. Even if I have to marry you in this hospital, I would. So, will you marry me?”

            I wanted to tell him to go find someone who was one hundred percent guaranteed to make it to the altar. But I realized there was no guarantee for any of us. Tomorrow wasn’t a promise. What was the use in wasting time? Even if I died the day after our wedding at least I had that time married to him. And I realized that was his point all along. Our days were always numbered as human beings. Any time spent with him as his fiancee or wife was time well spent. I couldn’t feel guilty for loving him anymore.

            I felt tears in my eyes as I nodded. “Yes…yes of course,” I whispered and reached down to hug him.

            “I love you.” He whispered. “Thank you so much.”

            “I should be thanking you.” I laughed softly.

            He withdrew slightly and slid the ring on my finger. “Is that a good fit? I asked your mom for your ring size.”

            I looked at the ring and felt overwhelmed with all kind of emotions. “It’s fine, I love it.”

            He smiled and stood up to kiss me.


	19. Chapter 19

            I fiddled with the TV remote to find the right channel. Chris was going on _Good Morning America_ to talk about Infinity War. I couldn’t wait to see him in his element. It had been a while since he worked, he’d been too busy with me that he had to postpone a lot of engagements. But I urged him to take a few interviews so people knew he was still active. He had to take the train up to Manhattan but he would be back the next day. I was just glad he was getting a break from the hospital. If only I could have the same privilege.

            I adjusted the bed a little bit so I was sitting up and turned the volume up.

            “He’s a regular in the Marvel movies and several other films like _Gifted_ and _Snowpiercer,_ Chris Evans!”

            I instinctively smiled when I saw his face. He looked so handsome in a button down and khakis. I missed his ‘actor’ get up, especially his red carpet looks.

            They talked a little bit about the Avengers movie, Chris seemed a little nervous at first but seemed to relax a bit.

            “Now Chris, there’s been some rumors flying around about your relationship. You’ve been dating someone for quite some time. You two were seen at last year’s Lupus Awareness Walk in Boston with several of your costars.”

            “Yeah, Molly is really my soulmate. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever felt this way with someone else before. She’s perfect in so many ways.” He smiled warmly.

            I bit my lip and wished I was there to kiss him.

            “That’s so sweet. And you’ve been spotted around Mass General for a few weeks.”

            Chris swallowed. “Molly’s been sick for about a month now. So if everyone could keep her in your thoughts and prayers, I’d be so grateful.”

            “It must be hard seeing someone you care for so sick.”

            “It’s probably one of the hardest things I’ve faced in my life. But I’m confident that she’s going to pull through this. She’s got an unbreakable spirit and tries to stay positive every day. She’s taught me a lot that’s why I asked her to marry me last week.”

            “Really? And I’m assuming she said yes?”

            He chuckled and nodded. “Thankfully, yes. I’m worried about the future but I can’t do anything but hope for the best. All I know for sure is we’re getting married whether it’s in the hospital or not. I love her too much to pass up that opportunity.”

 

            I was asleep when I heard my phone ringing. I yawned and reached for it. It was early in the morning but Chris was calling me.

            “Hey…are you on the train?” My voice cracked slightly from just waking up.

            “No, I’m on my way to your room, I took an earlier one. I have really good news.” He was practically breathless as I heard him walking quickly.

            “What is it?”

            “I’m almost there, I have to tell you in person.”

            “Okay…” And just a few minutes later he appeared in the doorway. “Oh my God.” He whispered and rushed to hug me.

            “What’s going on? What’s the news?” I asked as I hugged him back.

            “Someone from the Marvel set, she does hair and makeup. We’ve been friends for a while because she’s on every movie.” He was talking so fast he kept stumbling over his words. “She got in touch with me over Twitter. She saw the interview yesterday and asked about you. I told her the story and she’s a match. Molls, she’s a match.”

            “What…” I was stunned and trying to process everything he was throwing at me. “She’s a match?”

            “She wants to donate, she’s flying to Boston today to meet with the doctors.” He couldn’t stop smiling.

            “Oh my God…”I felt like all the air had been taken out of my lungs. “I-I can’t believe it.”

            “I know.” He laughed breathlessly. “Molly, you’re going to be alright.” He held my hands.

            “She wants to go through the surgery?” I suddenly felt doubtful. I had expected to get a kidney through an organ donor, not someone who was willing to give one up. What gave me the right to make her go through surgery? “Chris…”

            “I know you’re a good person and you don’t want anyone in pain for you. But this is the chance we need. Please don’t pass this up. She’s completely willing, she wants to help.” He begged quietly.

            I swallowed. “Okay,” I whispered. “You’re right.” My lower lip quivered as I felt tears streaming down my cheeks. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

            He kissed my forehead and hugged me close again. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

           

            I met Kayla just hours before our surgeries. I couldn’t stop crying and hugging her. She was my lifeline. She was giving me another chance.

            Her personality was beautiful and she seemed to radiate nothing but positive energy. I wasn’t convinced she wasn’t an angel sent to help me.

           

            Chris sat by my side as they made the final preparations for surgery. He held my hand and kept whispering assurances to me.

            “I’m scared,” I whispered.

            “I know I am too.” He kissed my knuckles. “But everything is going to be okay. The surgeons are trained and they’ll make sure everything goes smoothly. They are the best of the best.”

            I took a shaky breath. “Did you see how Kayla is?”

            “She’s good, they brought her up to the recovery unit and I think she’s still under. Everything went perfectly. She should be there when you wake up.”

            “Please thank her again for me,” I asked. “And…if I don’t make it out. Tell her they’ll find someone else who needs the kidney. I’m going to be in debt to her for the rest of my life.”

            “Nothing’s going to happen.” He shook his head and squeezed my hand gently. “Just try to take deep breaths.”

            The anesthesiologist walked over with a syringe. “Alright, Molly, this is the anesthesia. It’ll just take a few moments before you’re under.” She rubbed my arm comfortingly and started to inject the liquid into the IV.

            “I’ll be here when you wake up.” Chris kissed me softly. “I love you.”

            I took a deep breath. “Don’t worry too much.” I murmured and felt my whole body start to relax. Chris walked with me as they wheeled me down to the OR. The last thing I remembered, was his hand slipping from mine and he kissed me one last time on my forehead.

            “I love…” My words slurred out before I closed my eyes and let the anesthesia take control.

           


	20. Chapter 20

            It was cold and dark. I was still dazed and groggy so I couldn’t seem to figure out where I was. I was numb and felt like I couldn’t move.

            A shadowy blur started to approach me. I couldn’t decipher who or what it was.

            For a moment, I thought I was dead, or at least dying on the operating table. God, I swore I wouldn’t do this to Chris. How could I give up when everything seemed to be going perfectly?

            But there wasn’t anything else I could do but start to cry. “Please…I want to see my mom. I need to tell Chris I’m sorry.” I felt so weak and my words were barely coherent as they echoed in my ears.

 

            I felt warmth start to envelop me. Was it death?

 

            “Sh, it’s okay, Molly.” The dark figure soothed.

            I was convinced it was a reaper but maybe it was an angel. I still couldn’t stop crying. “I want my mom.” I bawled like a child.

            “Try to relax, do you want something to calm you down a little?” A hand touched my arm.

            “I want my mom.”

            “She’ll come to see you in a little bit, you’re still waking up from the anesthesia.”

            My brain struggled to process what the person was telling me. Anesthesia? My eyes started to clear and I saw a young looking nurse injecting something into my IV.

            “This is just something to relax you.” She murmured. “Why don’t you close your eyes for a little longer and once you’re a little more awake I’ll bring you back to your room. Your family’s waiting for you.”

            I closed my eyes for a moment and I started to regain feeling in my body. I wasn’t dead. I was just waking up from surgery. I wiggled my toes and then my fingers. “My ring,” I grumbled.

            “Your ring?”

            “The ring Chris gave me. My engagement ring.”

            “I think he might have it. Don’t worry it’s safe. Take a few deep breaths and you’ll feel better soon.”

            I drifted back out and hoped the next time I woke up, I would still be alive.

 

            I touched the paper cup filled with ice chips. The cold brought me further back into reality. But I was starting to feel the stress and pain from the surgery.

            The nurse returned with a smile. “How are you feeling now?” She asked and checked my vitals.

            “Good, can I see my fiancee now?” I asked hopefully.

            “Sure, I’ll bring you back to your room.” She wheeled me out of the recovery unit and down the halls.

            I was familiar with the effects of anesthesia. “I didn’t say anything weird, did I?” I asked.

            She laughed softly and shook her head. “You just wanted to see your family. Trust me, I’ve heard weirder stuff.”

            She brought me down to the unit I was on before and back to the room I was in before.

            Already there was Kayla in the second bed and my family as well as Chris’s.

            My fiancee stood up, relief washing over his face. “Molls.” He whispered and hugged me close once the nurse brought me back next to Kayla.

            “Hi.” I smiled and tried to hug him back.

            “I was so worried.” He admitted. “But you’re okay…everything’s okay.”

            He withdrew and I looked over at Kayla with tears in my eyes.

            “You saved my life.” I reached out to hold her hand.

            She smiled warmly and took my hand gently. “You deserve it. I’m just glad you’re going to be healthy again. And I hope I’ll get an invitation to your wedding.” She teased.

            “Are you kidding? You can be my maid of honor.”

 

            A few hours later and Chris and I were left alone. Kayla was fast asleep, still recovering.

            He sat on the edge of my bed, not able to stop touching my cheek or holding my hands. He left little kisses over my knuckles, cheeks, and forehead.

            “When I first woke up from the anesthesia, I thought I had died,” I admitted quietly so I wouldn’t wake Kayla. “I was so disappointed in myself that I lost the battle. I was upset that I didn’t get to give you everything you wanted. For years I thought death would be…relieving.”

            “Molls…”

            “Not for me necessarily but for everyone else. They wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore. But you’ve changed that for me. I was afraid of the impact that would have on you and my mom. It wouldn’t be fair. You had so many plans for us.”

            “That doesn’t matter anymore.” He assured me. “You’re alive and you’re healthy again. It might be a miracle or it might just be we were meant to last. Molly, when I met you, I expected to have just a few months with you. You didn’t tell me what was wrong so I thought it was terminal. But that didn’t matter. What mattered and what still matters now is that we have the time and the memories together. I would be devastated if I lost you but that’s normal. What I’d be left with are the best memories I have.” He touched his forehead to mine. “You don’t have to worry about what you leave behind. Because you’ve given me everything and that’s enough.”

            I’d been crying off and on for the past four hours. Now he wasn’t helping as more tears streamed down my cheeks. “I love you.”

            “I love you too. I’m so happy you’re okay. Now all that’s left is getting married and spending the rest of our lives together. We’ll adopt or use a surrogate. We’ll retire somewhere warm and hopefully, our children will come to visit us every so often, even just to do laundry.”

            I laughed softly and held him close.

            “Every anniversary I’ll spoil you and every birthday I’ll spoil the kids. Mother’s day, oh boy you just wait. You’re going to get so many flowers.”

            And it was perfect.


	21. Chapter 21

            With a new lease on life, I felt eager to get out of the hospital and into my new life as the soon-to-be-Mrs. Evans. It seemed like the process of getting discharged was like being admitted into sainthood. I tried to wait patiently on the edge of the hospital bed; already dressed in the clothes Chris had brought me from home. My family had helped take the flowers to the apartment so I was just left with a bag of my personal things. I didn't want to leave a trace of my being there, and I didn't want to take any part of the hospital with me. 

            There were so many things I couldn’t wait to do. I wanted to take a shower as soon as possible, wanted to sleep in my own bed, be able to have privacy, and kiss Chris longer than two seconds. It seemed like every time I got him alone, a family member or a nurse came in to check on us. It was infuriating. I needed time with my fiancee.

            My lease was up so my family helped me pack everything while I was in the hospital and brought it to Chris’s. We were officially moved in together, I just couldn’t wait to actually be able to live there now instead of waiting at the hospital.

 

            “Alright, Miss Reed.” A nurse walked in with a stack of paperwork and a pen. “This is your discharge paperwork with instructions from the surgeon. Your prescriptions were called in so you can pick them up at the pharmacy downstairs today. So I’ll just have you sign and you can be on your way.”

            I smiled and flipped through the paperwork, signing quickly. “Thank you,” I said and stood up.

            Chris took my bag and held out a hand to me. “Thank you for everything.” He said to the nurse.

            “Good luck, and take it easy for a few weeks. You’re still recovering.” She replied with a smile. "Lots of rest and sticking to the doctor's advice." 

            “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of her.” My fiancee smiled and we began walking to the elevators. "I'm officially your nurse now." 

             "I'd take that any day." I let out a sigh of relief. “I can’t wait to go home.”

            “I can’t wait to have you home.” Chris wrapped an arm around me and kissed my temple. He seemed just as eager to leave. “Let’s grab your medications quickly and leave." 

 

            I stood at the pharmacy window, tapping my fingers anxiously against the counter.

            The pharmacist walked over with bags. “Okay, Miss Reed. This is your anti-rejection medication, blood pressure medication, and iron supplement. If you have any questions or concerns you can call us or your doctor. The instructions for taking them are in the bag, make sure you follow them strictly."

            I nodded and tucked them into the bag Chris was carrying. “Okay, thank you.” I was so anxious to get back home, I didn’t waste any more time there.

            Once outside, I hugged Chris tightly. The sunlight felt so nice on my skin and the sense of freedom made my heart swell. “Thank you so much,” I whispered. “You were the sole reason I made it through this.”

            He chuckled as he hugged me back. “I’m pretty sure it was the doctors. I certainly didn't perform your surgery.”

            “No, you gave me a reason to get through.” I touched his cheek. "Every time I thought I wouldn't make it, you gave me a reason to stay alive. I couldn't give into this." 

            “Well, I couldn’t have a wedding without a bride. And no one else could possibly take your place.” He smiled and kissed him softly. “I love you.”

 

            “Dodger!” I squealed and knelt down to greet him.

            The dog’s whole body wriggled because of how fast his tail was wagging. He licked my cheeks and whined, scratching at my arms. 

            “I know, I know, baby, I promise not to leave again.” I cooed and hugged him close. "I promise, I promise, I promise." 

            “He’s definitely missed you.” Chris brought my bag to the bedroom. "I think he was sick of just having me around again." 

            I stood up and looked around. My things were already unpacked and placed in his apartment like I’d been living there for months. I followed him into the bedroom. “I can’t believe they did all this work for me.” I sighed and found all my clothes put away in the dresser and closet. "I've been waiting for this day for so long." 

            “You’ve got a lot of people who love you.” He reminded me and took me into his arms. "They'd do anything for you just like I would. We're just glad you're home and healthy." 

            “I know.”

            He pulled me back onto the bed, cuddling up close with me. Dodger launched himself onto the bed too, curling up by our feet. It was just like before everything went wrong. I could return to my life again. I still had Chris by my side. I thought he would've been gone a long time ago but he'd gone through the worst of the worst. He was right about one thing when we first started dating, there wasn't anything I could do to scare him off. We'd faced death firsthand and he still stayed by me. I still wasn't entirely convinced he wasn't an angel that had personally come down from heaven to take care of me. 

            “Oh, nearly forgot.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out my engagement ring, slipping it back in its rightful place. “Wanted to keep it safe for you until you got home.”

            I admired the diamond, but it was so much more than just a rock. It was a promise and a hope for a better life. It was the strength to make it through to get to the light on the other side. “I can’t wait,” I whispered.

            “Neither can I.” He closed his eyes, just as exhausted as I was. “Neither can I.”


	22. Chapter 22

            The sun was bright and warm on my face as I sat outside on Chris’s balcony. The heat was an amazing contrast to the developing spring weather in the East. I knew I was so pale from being in the hospital; I couldn’t wait to finally look healthy again. It was about time I'd gotten back to my usual self. Not the person who was plagued with illness, the young happy girl who didn't worry about a diagnosis. I would be even happier than before because I had my fiancee to think about and a wedding to plan. 

            Once I was cleared to fly and felt up to the trip, I flew to Los Angeles. I wanted to see Kayla again and she said she would help with my wedding plans. Chris had to travel anyways so it was good to feel a little independent for the first time in months. It was also nice to know Chris would be getting some time alone too. I felt bad for keeping him cooped up in a hospital room with me for weeks. In a strange way, it felt nice to miss him a little as I arrived at LAX. Absence made the heart fonder.

 

            “Hey, beautiful!” Kayla was all smiles as she walked up to me on the sidewalk. She held out her arms to me as she skipped the last few steps to me. 

            I smiled warmly and hugged her tightly. “Hey, how are you? How are you feeling?” My heart was so full. 

            “Perfect, I’ve been doing great. How about you?” She pulled back to take in my appearance. “You look so healthy. I thought you were so pretty when you were in the hospital now look at you! Back to the woman Chris could never shut up about, I don’t blame him though.”

            It was hard not to look at her and cry. She was so much to me and I couldn’t thank her enough for saving me. I laughed softly, tears in my eyes “Thank you. I’m feeling better than I ever have.”

            “That makes me so happy.” She sighed softly. “C’mon, let’s start looking for your dress.” She led me into the exclusive bridal store that Chris had managed to pull some strings for an appointment.

 

            Kayla seemed a better versed in style than I was. I followed her lead as well as the stylist’s. I trailed behind them through the rows of wedding dresses. My fingers gently touched over the plastic bags covering the lace and tulle. It was a completely new experience for me but I was looking forward to times like that. I refused to return to my old life.

            After taking measurements and discussing possible dresses, I walked into the dressing room. The spacious room was well lit and had several mirrors against the wall to show every angle. I stepped into the first dress being as gentle as I could possibly be. As I pulled up the bodice, I noticed the bandage over the stitches from my surgery. I paused and brushed the pads of my fingers over the bandage then looked up at my face in the mirror. I had more color in my cheeks, my eyes weren’t dulled anymore, and I stood a little straighter. The stitches were just a past reminder. They weren’t any indication of who I truly was.

            I never imagined I would make it to this point. If anything, I imagined marrying Chris at the hospital, the inevitable ending a slow process of withering away as I waited for a donor. But I’d get my fairytale wedding. It brought yet more tears to my eyes. I’d been crying much more, but only from pure happiness. I woke up every morning knowing I’d been given a second chance and I wanted to make the most out of the time I had with Chris. He wanted a big celebration, too excited for my recovery to spare any expense. I was right behind him, usually not one for extravagance, I wanted to make the most out of the once in a lifetime moment. It would be something we’d reminisce about for the rest of our lives together.

            I wiped my eyes and pulled on the dress, a slim fitting lacy number with a snug fit around my hips.

            I stepped out to show Kayla. “That’s beautiful.” She stood and walked around me to get the full view. “Do you like it?”

            I looked in the mirror. “It’s beautiful.” I agreed. “But I think I had a different vision,” I admitted.

            “Well tell me.” She coaxed. “This is your wedding, I want it to be perfect.”

            My cheeks burned and I hated to be pushy. “I guess I just imagined a more traditional dress…like train and all. Not a huge skirt but something more…princessy?” I winced as I listened to my own thoughts out loud. “It sounds stupid.”

            “Not at all. I want you to feel like a princess. But I’m going to make you look like a queen.” She grinned and dashed off with the stylist to find more dresses that fit more of my expectations.

            I returned to the dressing room, removing the dress and pulling on the robe to wait. I sat on a velvet bench and pulled out my phone. Chris had sent me a picture with Dodger. I smiled and texted him back a picture of me in the dressing room, telling him I was trying on dresses.

           

             **Chris: My heart just skipped a beat. I can’t wait to see you in the dress you pick.**

**Molly: Well you’re going to have to wait. It’s bad luck to see the dress before the wedding.**

**Chris: I’ll be patient. Just know I’m thinking about you.**

 

            Kayla opened the door. “Okay, try these on and let me know what you think.”

 

            It was a process going through dresses, but eventually, I pulled on the one that was everything I had ever wanted. I walked out of the room in tears.

            Kayla gasped softly and stood up. “You look gorgeous.” She took my hands in hers. “Oh, honey, it’s okay.” She laughed and dabbed my cheeks. She reached back and placed a veil in my hair before turning me around to look in the mirror again.

            I instantly could picture Chris next to me, my arm in his, walking down the aisle after becoming husband and wife. He would smile and whisper how much he loved me in my ear. And I’d be happy.


	23. Chapter 23

            “So I’ve thought about it.”

            “About what?”

            “About our future more.”

            “Mhm.”

            It was just two days before our wedding. Everything was ready and booked. As Kayla had said, the only thing I would have to worry about is getting into my dress and walking down the aisle. I thought I would still feel nervous about everything but I was surprisingly calm. I was mostly excited because I couldn’t wait to be Chris’s wife.

            Late that night, Chris and I were in bed. He was holding me close, his fingers grazing over my skin gently as we talked.

            “I talked to my doctor about it and our options. It’s up to you too, but I was thinking we could have a surrogate. That way it’s still our child genetically, but we’re not running the risk if I got pregnant.”

            “I think that’s a good idea.” Chris nodded.

            “A little baby with your blond hair and blue eyes.” I cooed. “How cute would that be?”

            He chuckled and his hand rested over my stomach. His fingers ghosted over the incision mark. My stitches had fallen out, leaving behind a scar that would most likely stay with me for the rest of my life.

            I bit my lip. “I just…when I was little, I always wanted to be a mom. But I guess I wanted to know what it was like to be pregnant and bring a life into the world.” I admitted quietly. Although I was hopeful, the subject of children still brought up emotions of sadness.

            “I know, Molls.” He shifted us over so I was lying on the bed and he was hovering over me, resting on his forearms. “And I wish I could give that experience to you. But we’ll still be able to have a family and you’ll be a mother. It doesn’t matter how the baby is brought into the world. The person who cares for them the most is the mother.” He placed a kiss over my scar. “Besides, I don’t think I would ever want to go through labor it sounds awful.”

            “I think it’s probably gratifying.”

            “Mhm…well with a surrogate maybe you can be part of the delivery.” He suggested.

            I smiled and nodded. “There’s that.” I agreed. I sighed and closed my eyes, feeling Chris’s feathery touches. “I can’t wait to be your wife.”

            “I can’t wait to be your husband.”

 

            “Mrs. Evans.” Chris’s soft voice brushed over my ear.

            My toes curled and I smiled before I opened my eyes. “Is that my husband?” I murmured and blinked a few times.

            “The one and only.” Chris was kneeling by the bed with a huge smile.

            The day after our fairytale wedding, we were in Venice for our honeymoon. Despite the long flight, we still stayed up all night too excited and thrilled to finally be married.

            “And he brought you breakfast even though it’s the afternoon.” I sighed happily and sat up, Chris helping me slip into a robe. “It’s on the balcony, I’m going to shower quickly.” He kissed me softly before heading to the bathroom.

            I tied the robe and stepped out onto the balcony. A coffee and savory smelling plate awaited me on the table. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I started to dig into the food. But I tried to slow down and take in everything around me. The hotel overlooked the Lagoon and the historic buildings. The sun was warm on my face as I listened to the sounds of people and cars below and watched boats passing through the water. I took a deep breath and wrapped my fingers around the coffee cup. Nothing had ever been so perfect in my life.

            After a while of soaking in the atmosphere, Chris came out to the balcony. He leaned over the chair behind me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and resting his chin on my head.

            “It’s so beautiful.”

            “Not as beautiful as you.”

            I snorted and put a hand over his. “You’re cheesy.”

            “Well, Italy is sort of known for its cheeses so I think it’s appropriate.” He snickered and went to sit down next to me. “But you’re right, it’s really something.”

            I looked over at him and felt my heart skip a beat. My husband, I was looking at my husband. My husband was sitting next to me. My husband and I were in Venice. My husband and I were on our honeymoon. I couldn’t get over the fact.

            Chris nodded me over. “C’mere.”

            I immediately jumped at the opportunity to touch him. I couldn’t seem to get enough after we landed at the airport. I set my coffee down on the table and curled up in his lap, letting my legs dangle off to the side. I wrapped my arms around his neck to stay close.

            He ran his hands over my cheeks and through my hair. “God, you’re stunning.” He breathed and leaned in to kiss me.

            There wasn’t anything in the world that concerned us at that moment. No careers, no diagnosis, no media, nobody. It was just us, and there wasn’t a need to ignore our desires. The outside world was shut away and we didn’t need to worry about it.

            Chris kissed me the way I needed him to. We weren’t going to skimp on the time we had together. We could get some sightseeing in but that time was for us to be together in every way possible.

            I scraped my nails over the nape of his neck, getting every bit out of the kiss before I needed air.

            There was such a beautiful light in his eyes. I felt like I could bask in it forever. I would always remember this moment, the way he looked and felt.

            With food and a few hours of sleep, I was all charged up again. “Think that shower can fit us both?” I asked cheekily.

            “No way to find out unless we try.” He grinned and stood up, sweeping me back inside, leaving the breakfast on the table.


	24. Chapter 24

            A few months after the wedding, Chris and I jumped head first into researching surrogacy. It was clear he wanted to start a family right away, hoping for more than just a couple kids. I was just as eager. I felt starting our family would be an amazing next chapter to my healthy life. Although there was a hint of sadness that I wouldn’t get to experience a pregnancy. I joined a few forums for couples that couldn’t conceive and chose surrogacy. We both knew it was going to be a lot of work and a process. But it would be worth the time and effort.

 

            After legal work and screening potential surrogates, we found the woman who would carry our child. Her name was Lydia, a young single woman who just wanted to help couples who couldn’t go through a pregnancy. She had already been a surrogate to a lesbian couple and seemed like such a genuine woman.

            Chris and I met with her a few times before the whole process. We chatted about a few things like the delivery and keeping in touch with her in the future. Chris and I would both be genetically contributing to the child, creating an embryo through gestational surrogacy. It felt special talking to Lydia and knowing we would be very connected over the next nine months.

 

            Almost a year after our wedding, Chris and I discovered Lydia was pregnant. We were a mess as we held each other close. It was so overwhelming knowing that in just a short time we would be holding our baby.

            Every two weeks, Lydia and I met up. We talked constantly over the phone and became close friends very quickly. One of my favorite moments was finally feeling the baby kick. I broke down in tears in the middle of the coffee shop. Chris cried too when he felt a kick as well. Everything was coming together as we sped towards becoming a family.

            Finally, in early spring, Lydia went into labor. Chris and I rushed to the hospital in record time. It was a long wait and I did my best to support her through the contractions. Nearly six hours passed and the baby finally decided to crown and make an appearance.

            I held Lydia’s hand as she delivered our son into the world. He was a healthy baby boy with barely-there wisps of blond hair, a little button nose, and bright blue eyes. Chris’s cheeks were stained with tears as he cut the umbilical cord. Our son was a strong crier as he took his first breath.

            The nurse took him to clean him off and take his measurements. She swaddled him and returned him to my arms. I let out a shaky laugh as I realized I was holding my son. “Oh my God…” I whispered and looked up at Chris.

            He was smiling as he walked over and wrapped his arms around us both. “He’s perfect, look at him.”

            I let Chris take him and turned to Lydia. I enveloped her in a hug, thanking her over and over again for helping us.

 

            Patrick Scott Evans was seven pounds five ounces and 20 inches long. He was named to reflect Chris’s Irish roots and for his brother Scott. He had an adorable round face with chubby cheeks and mesmerizing eyes. When he slept, he looked so content with the world around him. When he cried it broke my heart. It was so moving that a little human could be the thing that made my world revolve.

            The first few days, Chris and I were completely enamored with Patrick. When he napped, we couldn’t help but just stare at him. It was like we were in disbelief that he was actually there. He seemed too perfect to really exist. We took note of his tiny little fingernails, his perfect ears and nose, his soft skin, his chubby arms and legs, and his nearly bald head. Every part of him was perfect.

 

            “Molly.” Chris and I were laying on the ground, watching Patrick nestled up in a little bassinette.

            “Mhm?” I rested my chin on my hand.

            “I just…I was thinking last night about when you were in the hospital. I was so sure you were going to be okay but there was a part of me that was so scared. I was so scared I wouldn’t be able to live our perfect lives together. Everything I wanted to do with you…I was terrified it wouldn’t happen.”

            “Chris…” I bit my lip.

            “But now.” He smiled and let Patrick hold his finger in his little fist. “Look at him, he’s absolutely perfect. We’re going to have that life. We already have that life.”

            “I love you,” I whispered and leaned over to kiss him. I knew he was right. We were already living everything we dreamed of.


	25. Chapter 25

            “Whoa hey! Molls!”

            I was in the middle of washing a bundle of blankets and little onesies when I heard Chris call my name. I walked down the hallway and poked my head into the nursery. “Mhm?”

            Chris was lying on the floor on his stomach. Patrick was almost six months and the perfect, bouncing little baby boy. He seemed to always have a smile on his face with his chubby cheeks. I swore his laughter was the most beautiful sound in the world.

            “He’s going to roll over. Do you have your phone?” Chris asked. “I left mine in the kitchen.”

            Patrick was on his back, flailing his arms happily. His bright blue eyes were fixed on his father as he squealed.

            “He is?” I exclaimed and tugged my phone out of my back pocket. I knelt down and starting to record the infant.

            “C’mon, bud, you can do it.” Chris encouraged. “You’re super strong!”

            Patrick giggled and rocked back and forth on his back, twisting to try and figure out the muscle movements to get back on his stomach.

            “That’s it, use your arms.” I coaxed. “You can do it.”

            He stuck out his tongue like he was intensely focused. He let out a little squawk of effort and pushed himself over to his stomach.

            “Yay!” Chris and I exclaimed as he turned over. It wasn’t rare. We always tried to record and celebrate his tiny milestones.

            Patrick screeched loudly with a gummy smile. He reached out his hands to Chris.

            My husband scooped him up and lay back, resting the baby on his chest. “Look at you! You’re getting so big. You’re dad’s best bud, right?” He cooed.

            I put my phone aside and curled up against Chris’s side. I rested a hand on Patrick’s back and smiled.

            Hearing the commotion, Dodger trotted into the room. He nudged past Chris and I. After Patrick was born, Dodger decided he was number one. Suddenly, his mom and dad weren’t as important as his baby brother was. The dog was extremely protective over Patrick and slept in his nursery instead of our bed.

            Dodger stepped over Chris and went to lick Patrick’s face. The baby giggled and reached out to hold Dodger’s ears. He was usually gentle with him but if he ever pulled too hard, Dodger wouldn’t dare snap at him. Sometimes if Chris or I were holding Patrick while he was crying, Dodger would growl at us as if it were our fault.

            “Oh, now we’ve got the whole family.” Chris chuckled and coaxed Dodger to lie down.

            Patrick reached up to pat Chris’s cheeks.

            “Do you love your dada?” I murmured. “Are you mama’s little man?”

            Our son blew bubbles at me and rested his cheek on Chris’s chest. I resisted the urge to take a picture of him. I already had hundreds of pictures of him at every possible angle. He was just so precious to me and I couldn’t get enough of him. If I was even away from him for an hour I looked through the pictures to smile. His existence meant everything to me. I never thought I would be privileged enough to be a mother because of my condition. It didn’t feel like that long ago when I thought I was going to die before I even got to marry Chris. Now I felt blessed to wake up at two in the morning to feed Patrick, change him, or comfort him back to sleep. I didn’t take any of it for granted even though it was a lot of work.

 

            Fall arrived and we kept up the tradition of doing the Lupus Walk in Boston. Patrick was almost a year old so we brought along his wagon. Kayla flew out from LA to walk and meet Patrick for the first time. A lot of Chris’s Marvel co-stars also tagged along.

            “Agh look at him in his little hoodie!” Kayla snatched up Patrick, kissing his chubby cheeks and making him giggle hysterically. “You’re the most precious thing in the world, yes you are!” She cooed.

            “Hey, hand over the baby!” Sebastian and Anthony walked up as we were all congregating around the start.

            “No way, Mackie, wait your turn.” Kayla stuck her tongue out at him.

            Sebastian laughed. “Oh my God, he’s just a mini-Chris.”

            “In more ways than one.” I rolled my eyes. “He likes running a lot. His new favorite game is sending mom and dad into a panic by taking off in public.”

            “But he’s so cute he can get away with a lot,” Chris admitted and wrapped an arm around me.

            “Mhm, dad’s a pushover.” I leaned into his side.

            “What do you think, Evans, think that wagon’s going to slow you down this year?” Jeremy Renner clapped the taller man on the back.

            “You know, I think Pat might make us go faster, he’s always on the run.” Chris grinned.

            Kayla sat down on the grass, holding the toddler’s hands so he could show her how he could walk.

            “I’ve also got a new kidney so I’ll probably kick your ass, Renner.” I bragged.

            “It’s a damn good kidney too.” Kayla chimed in. “Lotsa love in it.”

            Patrick squealed when he heard us laugh. He always wanted to join in on the conversation even when he didn’t really know what we were saying. He babbled along and waddled over to Chris.

            “Hey, bub.” Chris smiled as his son latched onto his leg.

            Dodger was sitting by me but stood up to make sure his little human was okay. Patrick giggled and grabbed the dog’s ears, giving him a kiss, something he’d recently learned.

            “Oh my God, they’re so cute I wanna die,” Sebastian said. “Chris, you and Molly should move to New York so I can babysit.”

            “Um, no if they’re moving anywhere, they’re coming to stay in Los Angeles so _I_ can babysit,” Kayla argued.

            I laughed softly. “Thank you, but I think we’re going to stay in Boston.” I glanced up at Chris.

            He met my gaze and nodded. “Yeah, can’t go wrong with the city you fell in love in.” He murmured and kissed me gently.

            “Patrick, close your eyes!” Anthony scooped him up and put a hand over his blue eyes.

            “Yeah, c’mon guys, there’s children here.” Sebastian protested playfully.

            Chris pulled away from me and rolled his eyes. “Hilarious, you two.”

            I just smiled and kissed his cheek. I was so happy and felt like I’d been given such perfect gifts.


End file.
